Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Anyone who knows me in person knows I have a particular disdain for the Christmas holiday. I don't celebrate it, I don't put up lights and decorations, I don't exchange gifts with anyone, and I definitely don't like Christmas movies. There are a few exceptions: Black X-mas, Gremlins, A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas, hell, I'll even throw in A Christmas Story, just because it's a damn good movie. I just would prefer to go into hibernation from November 1st to January 1st if I could, but then I would miss out on my birthday, which is...wait for it...right before Christmas. My movie muse, Totally Mental Mommy, guided me to this one a few months back when she got me to watch the trailer, and I immediately knew I had my own Christmas tradition in the making when this was finally released here in the U.S.

The film opens with a team of excavators working on the top of the Korvatunturi Mountain in Finland. The leader of the team explains that this is not a mountain, but the largest burial mound in the world, and they are attempting to unearth the occupant. A couple of the local village boys are spying on them at one point, and the younger of the duo speculates as to what they could be digging up and makes the leap to Santa Claus. He tells his older friend, who naturally laughs him off. After using heavy equipment and explosives, the mountain goes silent; they may have found what they are looking for. Meanwhile, the younger boy, Pietarie (Onni Tommila), has begun his own research into the Santa myth, and makes some horrifying discoveries: the real Santa didn't reward the nice, he just punished and ate the naughty (although, not being eaten sounds like a reward for being nice, so take it as you will). He also notices footprints in the snow on the landing outside of his window, as though someone is looking in on him at night. As Christmas draws nearer, Pietarie's father, Rauno (Jorma Tommila), and other local village men prepare for the annual reindeer herding, which will stock their freezers with meat, and fund the local economy with what they sell. They wait as the herd crests a hill, but instead of a herd, they get two scrawny runts, with no herd to be in sight. They follow the tracks of the two runts, and discover the rest of the herd, massacred on an epic proportion. They can only assume it was wolves, but Pietarie suspects something else.

"Wasn't us. We were practicing for our barbershop quartet performance."

The village men place the blame of the massacred herd on the excavators of the mountain, and decide to go ask them some questions. They charge up the mountain to the dig site, only to find it unmanned and completely abandoned, along with a HUGE hole in the ground. Rauno lights a flare and tosses it in, but the light from it disappears before it can hit the ground. Baffled, the men return to the village to figure out what to do next. Shortly thereafter, Pietarie wakes and goes outside to relieve himself, and discovers that a wolf trap his dad had set has an occupant. He summons his father, who investigates and, not liking what he sees, sends Pietarie back into the house. Rauno summons one of the other men, Piiparinen (Rauno Juvonen) to help him and they transport what looks like an old man to Rauno's meat shed. The old man appears to be dead and the two men discuss what to do with him, finally deciding  to dismember the corpse and dispose of it. As they prepare to do the deed, they discover the old man is actually alive, and quite ferocious as well. They are forced to restrain him, and Pietarie sneaks in to get a better look. The old man begins to sniff the air and turns his gaze on the boy, which leads to his father discovering him there. Pietarie then tells the tale of Santa Claus to the two men, and though met with some skepticism, they really have nothing else to go on. As they try to figure out what to do next, the sound of a walkie-talkie erupts from the pocket of the jacket that the old man was wearing. We learn that the voice is that of the leader of the dig, and he's looking for his head man, but the village men, who are still out of all the money from the slaughtered reindeer, are looking for their payday. They decide to ransom Santa back to the dig leader and makes plans to meet up with him and make the exchange. And here I put on the brakes, because what follows is a twist better than anything Shyamalan has tried.

"Hey, cut it out, will ya? I'm still working on stuff."

 
This film was a genuine fun ride, normally I don't like reading my movies, but I didn't mind here. This film blends the perfect amount of thrills, suspense, action, and dark comedy to keep it rolling at a nice pace and just when you think you have it figured out, you don't. The ending will have you looking twice at mall Santas and you'll think twice about letting your child take a photo with one. As I said previously, I may not celebrate the holiday, but at least I have something to watch every year that takes a little of the "Humbug" out of me. I recommend adding this to your collection, and maybe you, too, will have a new holiday tradition.

8 out of 10 Fists.

Hesher

In a time where movies are available across all mediums as soon as the film is "in the can", (meaning after the film is shot and edited and ready for release), like direct to DVD release or On-Demand, as well as the tried and true big screen, "Indie Movies" are becoming more main-stream. Before, these movies flew under the radar, and word of mouth was required for any cinematic gem not released by one of the big companies to get any foothold with movie-lovers: a few people would see the movie and pass it on to their friends and so on, and the film festivals that popped up everywhere were a great place for this to transpire. You'd take your little picture to Sundance or Cannes and hope it was good enough to get noticed, much less get any awards, and if someone wanted to distribute your flick, BINGO!!, you're sought after. So, in a time where the true "Indie Movie" may be dying, it's nice to see people making a movie for just that reason, to make a movie. On that note, we have Hesher.

The film opens with T.J. Forney (Devin Brochu, Rubber), chasing after a tow-truck that is carrying a wrecked vehicle. You can tell right off the bat that this kid is a mess: in his blind pursuit of the truck he has a collision with a car that he has to pick himself up from, and he just continues after the truck like nothing happened. He follows the truck to an auto yard, and proceeds to lock himself in the car. He clearly has some sort of connection to this vehicle, and we learn that he recently lost his mother in this vehicle and that his father, Paul Forney (Rainn Wilson, SUPER, The Rocker), has sold it for scrap in an effort to move on with his life, while at the same time staying super medicated and stewing in depression, which is clearly NOT moving on with your life. The sale of the vehicle angers T.J., and after a fight with Paul, he leaves for school and, while riding through a housing construction project, hits something in the ground and wipes out again (maybe he should just stay away from anything with wheels?). He picks himself up, angrier than ever at life, and proceeds to hurl a rock through the window of a nearby home that is nearly constructed. He just so happens to pick the one house that our title character is squatting in, and we are introduced to Hesher. Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Inception, G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra), is a long-haired, tattooed, chain-smoking ne'er-do-well, and though no particular age is given to him, we are to assume he is of a late teen, early twenties variety, as we see him at school with T.J. on several occasions. Anyway, Hesher accosts T.J. after the rock incident and drags him into the house. A site security guard, having heard the commotion, shows up to investigate, and Hesher diverts his attention from T.J. to deal with the security guard and make good on his escape, which he does with a well timed, home-made explosive. Hesher leaves in the confusion with the guard in pursuit, allowing T.J. to take leave of his own unchased and make it to school.

Not the safest diversionary tactic, but effective, nonetheless.

 After school is over, T.J. is on his way home, and notices he is being followed. It's Hesher, and his motivations aren't readily apparent. T.J. makes it home and looks around for his dad, finding only his grandmother they live with, played by Piper Laurie (Carrie). He nervously returns to the window to see if Hesher is outside, when Hesher asks from behind him where the laundry room is. He then proceeds to set up home there, despite all of T.J.'s protesting, and everyone else around just seems to go along with it, mainly because Paul is too depressed and doped out to care there is a stranger now squatting there, and Grandma is too kind and matronly to have a problem with it. So T.J. now has this to deal with, on top of a bully problem at school with a kid that works at the auto yard that he rubbed the wrong way the day he locked himself in the wrecked car. Through a confrontation with this bully in a supermarket parking lot we are introduced to the other player in our story, Nicole (Natalie Portman, Thor, Black Swan), a clerk at said market. She defends and befriends T.J., and he develops a crush on her, despite she being WAY too old for him (or he too young for her, either way).

I never said it was impossible.

The rest of the film plays out without any real story, it's just the events of these people being brought together and healed by the most unlikely of candidates, who is also someone oblivious to the fact that he is helping anyone. It is hard to pinpoint whether Hesher really is the smartest one of the group, or that his random, unplanned actions are genius unrealized. T.J. seems to be the most dumped on character in this, you can't help but wonder what the world is going to foist on him next, and I personally identified with him the most, but I saw bits of myself in Paul and Hesher as well, so this film connected on a personal level with me that may not resonate with other viewers. You keep watching to see what Hesher is going to do next, and in portraying him, I'm am more impressed with Gordon-Levitt than ever, a rarity for a child star turned adult actor, and his chops keep getting better. Rainn Wilson is superb in a role as far from Dwight Schrute as you can get. You feel his pain and confusion the whole while, as he wears it on his face for most of the film, but also conveys his depression with all his other actions. I was also impressed with the fact that although this is Portman's first production credit, she didn't try to make it HER film, she stayed quietly in the background and played the back-up character that helped drive the Hesher-T.J. dynamic. Finally, given my personal choice in music, the soundtrack rocks, stocked full of early Metallica and Motorhead tracks. My recommendation is to add it to your collection if you are a fan of any of the actors here, and if not, just watch it to become one.

8 out of 10 Fists.

The Perfect Host

I took a movie break in September, choosing to get caught up on some T.V. shows I had been neglecting, and though there were a few movies sprinkled in there, I didn't feel like writing about them. Most of them were movies I just picked at random, trying to stimulate the creative juices and hope that at least one of them would inspire me to talk about it, and there were a couple that got close, like Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl, and Pervert!, but I never got past the "thinking about it" stage, although, in retrospect I probably should've written about Pervert!, that was the worst thing I've seen since Thankskilling, the only thing that made it better was all the gratuitous nudity. Somewhere along the way, I came upon the trailer for The Perfect Host and knew that I wanted to see it, but until I actually watch a movie I never know if I'm going to write about it or not. Well, here we are.

The film opens with John Taylor (Clayne Crawford, Smokin' Aces 2), a career criminal, on the run after a very recent bank heist. He's injured and desperate, and looking for a place to hide out until the heat blows over and he can figure out his next move. After one attempt to gain entry to a house and being spurned, he comes across a postcard from Australia from a woman named Julia, addressed to the homeowner by the name of Warwick Wilson (David Hyde Pierce, Wet Hot American Summer). Taylor manages to charm his way into the house pretending to be a friend of Julia's, whom he just "left" in Australia, telling Wilson that he was just mugged upon his return to the country, and that the airline lost his baggage. Wilson informs Taylor that he may stay and try to get assistance, but he is hosting a dinner party later that evening. After a few feeble attempts to get assistance with a problem that isn't real, Taylor convinces Wilson to let him stay awhile longer, and Wilson invites him to join the party. Wine is shared between the men, with Wilson asking questions that Taylor can't answer, and eventually the truth is revealed. Taylor tells Wilson to call off the dinner party, as he is now a hostage, and Taylor needs to figure out his next move. Wilson calls one of his guests to cancel, and tells that guest to inform the rest of the guests. Taylor continues to drink Wilson's wine and think about what to do next, and soon realizes there is a problem: he's been drugged, and it quickly overtakes and incapacitates him, and Wilson smugly disarms him.

Not this smugly, but close.

When Taylor wakes up, he is bound to a chair at the dinner table, where places have been set for four other people besides himself and Wilson. Wilson is seated at the head of the table and eating while holding conversations with people seated at the table...that Taylor can't see. It becomes very apparent that the mild mannered dinner host that Taylor thought he was taking hostage is actually a clearly unbalanced individual. There seems to be an actual dinner party going on, it's only happening in Wilson's head. A severe cat and mouse game ensues from then on, with Taylor trying to escape and Wilson carrying on his burgeoning dinner party and increasing "guest" count. Oh, and I almost forgot, during all of this we are introduced to the cop who is after Taylor, Detective Morton (Nathaniel Parker, Stardust) and, through some flashback scenes, a woman who appears to be Taylor's girlfriend, played by Megahn Perry (The Gravedancers), who may be providing the inspiration for his robbery in the first place. Back at the dinner party, Wilson shows Taylor a scrapbook of his, that details what happens over the course of the evening with his captives, as it appears that he has done this before. It doesn't look good for Taylor, and he begins to become more desperate to escape. We then get treated to a twist straight out of Shyamalan's playbook, and the movie kind of takes a sharp left turn from there.

"Hey, leave me out of this one."

I was really digging the film and was going to totally rate this movie a lot higher until the twist happened and the ending culmination of events is a different tone than what was set with the tension between the two leads in the first two-thirds of the movie. It doesn't kill it, it is still an interesting ending, it just makes you switch gears so fast that it is a little disorienting. I still liked it overall, Hyde Pierce is phenomenal as Wilson and his performances when interacting with his "guests" is just great acting. Check it out to see some great performances, even if the story does get a little muddled.

6 out of 10 Fists.

Your Highness

I got to cover a great genre mash-up with my last review, where there was a combination of Western and Sci-fi, and while a somewhat original concept, it was "based" on a comic series, so it can't really be a Hollywood original. While everyone feels that original ideas from H-wood are extinct, every once in a while something pops up with a taste of originality, and a spark of hope that we still have free thinkers in the new Babylon. Many a movie have been made featuring knights, wizards, and damsels in distress, some serious like Dragonheart with Dennis Quaid, others more comedic like Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and just as many "stoner" films have been made, whether it be the antics of Cheech & Chong and Harold & Kumar, or the rather unexpectedly violent Pineapple Express. Here we get to see these two very different genres smashed together in Your Highness.

From the director of the aforementioned Pineapple Express, and featuring two of that movie's stars in James Franco and the always great Danny McBride as brothers Fabious and Thadeous, respectively, comes Your Highness. Fabious is the heralded brother, always questing and gaining favor of the people and their father, King Thallious (Charles Dance, Last Action Hero, The Golden Child), while Thadeous is the ne'er-do-well brother, who is content with smoking and sleeping his way through the country-side. As the film  opens, Thadeous is about to be hanged for sleeping with the Dwarf King's wife, and his squire Courtney (British actor Rasmus Hardiker) has been tarred and feathered. Thadeous makes good on his escape when they drop him from the gallows...that has been constructed to hang dwarfs. He lands on his feet and just climbs out, giving you an indication as the viewer of what kind of comedy you're in for: slapstick and sight gags, with a generous peppering of the f-word throughout. The opening credits roll with animated scenes showing how Thadeous and Courtney make their way back home, all while being pursued by the dwarfs and stopping for smoke breaks.

If you are being pursued by dwarfs, seems like this could wait...

The guys make it safely home as the movie rolls, and Fabious arrives home from his latest quest with his Elite Knights, who have just defeated a cyclops belonging to the evil wizard Lazzar (Justin Theroux, American Psycho, Mulholland Dr.) and freed a virgin, Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel, Big Trouble, The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy), imprisoned in the tower guarded by said cyclops. Fabious announces his intentions to marry Belladonna immediately, and asks his brother to stand in as his best man, much to the chagrin of Boremont (Damien Lewis, Dreamcatcher, Band of Brothers), leader of the Elite Knights. He voices his displeasure to some of the other knights, which Thadeous overhears and decides to skip the wedding in favor of smoking bowls with trolls. During the wedding, however, Lazzar crashes it to retrieve his virgin. He makes his escape, and eventually Thadeous returns to discover what has happened, whereupon his angered father instructs him to accompany his brother on the quest to save his bride or be expelled from the kingdom. He begrudgingly agrees and they start off on their quest, accompanied by the Knights, and Fabious' man-servant, Julie (Toby Jones, The Mist, Captain America). Their first stop is The Great Wise Wizard, who tells the boys about Lazzar's plans for the virgin, and gives them a compass to find The Blade of the Unicorn, the only sword that exists that can defeat the evil wizard. They continue on in their quest, and the plot thickens from there, with betrayal, a great chase scene, capture and plenty of "dick and fart" jokes, not to mention Natalie Portman showing up to join the quest as Isabel, a warrior on a quest of her own that may or may not have something to do with the adventure the boys are on.

Remember when you'd get a new party member in FF, and didn't know their motives? Just like that.

The rest of the film is a mix of action and low-brow comedy, with fantastical elements such as Minotaurs and other mythical creatures, culminating in a final battle scene that is as humorous as it is thrilling. It isn't going to win any awards, but it does serve as a mindless romp that you never have to take seriously, and at least McBride's faux English accent is better than Kevin Costner's pathetic attempt in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Check it out on cable, I wouldn't pay to rent it, but a free viewing is in order if you are a fan of McBride's.

5 out of 10 Fists.

Cowboys & Aliens

Although one of my favorite movies of all time is a Western, I tend not to like them as a genre. Tombstone ranked as my favorite film for the longest, but not because it was a Western, but because of the supremely awesome acting of everyone involved, and they just happened to be telling a fact based story that was set in the Old West era of America. Val Kilmer's performance as Doc Holliday is reason enough to watch the film, and all else on hand do a fine job as well, I'm surprised that it didn't garner any awards. But no other film of that particular genre has interested me, in fact, I'm not really all that big on "period pieces" as a whole. On the other hand, I dig a really good alien flick, whether it be of the invasion type like Independence Day, or something a little more subtle like Enemy Mine. There have been Westerns produced that have sci-fi elements, like Wild, Wild West, but that was a horrible movie, and on paper, the idea of bringing a Western and an Alien flick together sounds pretty ridiculous. Cowboys & Aliens wasn't on my radar at all, I had heard about it, mainly from my movie muse, Totally Mental Mommy, but hadn't watched any trailers for it, and might have given it a chance once it hit DVD. Yet the opportunity arose to see it in theatres and I said, "What the hell."

Like I said, the idea of a Western and Alien flick mash-up seemed pretty ridiculous to me on the outset, I figured it was going to go the route of cheese-ball, even though it had some significant Hollywood muscle attached to it, both in front of and behind the camera. Like any typical male, I hate to admit that I am wrong, but I enjoyed being wrong this time. The trailer lays out the story pretty straight-forward, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) wakes up in the desert, with no memory and a strange, metallic device attached to his wrist. He eventually makes his way into the nearest town, where it is discovered that he is actually a wanted fugitive, for various crimes. The town sheriff, played by David Carradine, locks Lonergan up and summons U.S. Marshals to come collect him, and another prisoner, Percy Dolarhyde (Paul Dano), who is son of the local cattle baron Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), known in the area not only for his war efforts, but also for being a rather stern individual. Dolarhyde rides into town, demanding that his son and Lonergan be turned over to him, since it turns out that Lonergan had just robbed Dolarhyde of some gold. A stand-off ensues, and as tensions mount, strange lights appear in the sky. As the townsfolk watch in awe, the metallic device attached to Lonergan's wrist lights up and begins to beep. The approaching lights turn out to be flying craft, and they promptly start blowing up the town. Naturally, the townsfolk lose their collective marbles, so to speak.

"Hey Mel, wanna lose our marbles?"   "Way ahead of you, buddy!"             

During the attack several people are taken by the aliens, including the Sheriff and Percy Dolarhyde. Lonergan manages to use the device strapped to his wrist to bring one of the ships down, but its pilot escapes into the night. They discover the pilot was wounded in the crash and Dolarhyde's right-hand man, an Indian named Nat Colorado (Adam Beach) says they can track it. A posse is formed in the morning and rides out to find the alien pilot, and hopefully the rest of the towns-folk, while Lonergan rides out to a cabin and has a flashback that reveals him returning to the cabin with Dolarhyde's gold, right before the aliens attack and capture him and a woman he was with in the cabin. He then re-joins the rest of the posse, and as per my "no spoilers" rule, I leave it there to stop from revealing any more crucial plot points. I will say that the rest of the movie manages to keep you entertained and has a few good little plot twists along the way.

"I see what you did there."

Now, here comes the rub, I can't rate this movie higher than I'm going to, because it has one huge, glaring flaw: besides the name Cowboys & Aliens being the title, this film has absolutely nothing to do with the comic book that it is based on, and if you know me, that's a big no-no for a movie adaptation. While what was presented was a great movie with faithful elements of both Westerns and Alien movies, the story in the pages would have been interesting to see on-screen. All the actors put on good performances, I especially liked Ford's portrayal of the hard-ass Dolarhyde, and the special effects were top notch. The reason the aliens are there is a little flimsy, but the rest of the plot stands up pretty well. You also don't have to worry about a heavy-handed love story getting dropped into the middle of the action, there are romantic elements, but they aren't strong enough to effect the pace of the film. I say check it out at least in theatres at a matinee price, or some sort of discounted showing, it's worth seeing on the big screen, but not at full price.

7 out of 10 Fists.

Hobo With A Shotgun

Truth in advertising goes a long way. It has long been illegal in the United States (and many other countries) to falsely advertise  your product and/or service in order to sell more of it. It would be the equivalent of myself telling the general public that everyone who reads my blog will get a free car. I certainly can't provide a single car, much less multitudes for the five people who may read it, so that, in effect, makes it false advertising. There are ways to circumnavigate the laws in place, which are just as unscrupulous, but not quite as illegal, that are practiced by certain folks, but there are no laws in place that regulate the movie industry in promoting their movies as what they actually are, most recently the teaser ads for The Muppets creatively started out advertising as one type of movie before revealing their true face. This was cool. The trailer for Bridge to Terabithia advertised a whimsical kid's movie in the vein of The Chronicles of Narnia, and what movie-goers got was a terribly depressing movie about the death of one of the major characters. Not so cool. This brings us to our latest film, Hobo With A Shotgun.

 

 

Hobo With A Shotgun is the second movie to come out of the "fake" trailers that were featured in the film Grindhouse, the first being Machete in 2010. It stars B-movie veteran and character actor Rutger Hauer (The Hitcher, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) as The Hobo, who rolls into Hope Town on a train and with a dream. He wants to buy a lawnmower from the pawn shop and start up a lawn-mowing business, but first needs to get the $49.99 for the mower. Unfortunately for The Hobo, Hope Town is under the cruel regime of The Drake, who starts the movie by murdering his own brother, in a very creative way. Helping their dear old dad in the murder are Slick and Ivan, the just-as-crazy sons of The Drake. The Hobo witnesses this and many other atrocities, at one point stopping the assault of a hooker named Abby at the hands of Slick, making a "citizen's arrest" and taking him to the police station, whereupon he learns that the only people they "protect and serve" are The Drake and his family. Ivan and Slick track The Hobo down and brutalize him, after which he is found and taken in by Abby, who then tends to his wounds. The next day, The Hobo goes to the pawn shop to buy the lawnmower (I won't tell you how he gets the money), and while there, three thugs burst in to rob the place and take a woman and her baby hostage. It is this moment that The Hobo makes his decision that Hope Town needs a savior, and opts for the $49.99 shotgun instead of the lawnmower, which is inexplicably fully loaded right off the rack, and dispatches the robbers in gleeful, gory glory. Then, after he has killed the thugs, he walks up to the counter and hands the clerk his $49.99. He is an honest hobo, I must say you don't see very many of those these days.

Can YOU spot the honest hobo?

From there, our Hobo goes out and seeks sweet shotgun justice on all the evils of Hope Town's streets, including (but not limited to) a Santa-clad pedophile, a "Bum Fight" videographer, and a stereotypical black pimp. All of this vengeance is carried out on-screen in it's goriest best, there's more blood per frame than three Friday the 13th movies put together. Eventually, The Hobo inspires the rest of the town-folk to clean up their city, much to the chagrin of The Drake, who has his progeny torch a school-bus full of kids with a flamethrower, just to scare the people back in line. He then declares open season on ALL hobos, and the people, just as quickly as they rallied behind The Hobo, form roaming, murderous mobs that exterminate the homeless of all shapes, sizes and ages. Meanwhile, The Hobo and Abby are holed up at Abby's place, preparing to leave town to go start the lawn-mowing business in a hopefully friendlier town. They get dimed out while they are there, and Ivan and Slick show up to take care of business, and that's when things get really messy. We get to see some creative use of many things in this exchange involving toasters, ice skates, duct tape and The Hobo's trusty shotgun, with a particularly nasty scene involving a hacksaw.

Hacksaws: made to cut metal. Great on flesh, too.

So, let's face it, as far as truth in advertising goes, Hobo With A Shotgun says it all up-front. It perfectly represents the B-movie film culture it is paying homage to while still crafting something a little original. The violence is over-the-top, and there is more blood spilled on-screen than there is in the populace of some small countries, but this film never tries to be more than the gory, entertaining thrill ride it set out to be. I've seen some feature length movies that have been based on a much wider license that have totally failed to deliver, and for this film to have sprung forth from a two minute fake trailer in another movie, I say damn good job. So far, the two movies based on fake trailers have been better than the movie the trailers appeared in.

7 out of 10 Fists.

Thor

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am an unabashed comics geek. I can remember looking at my first comic back in the early '80s, it was a Spider-Man book, and although I don't recall the story in the pages, or really even remember what the cover looked like, it kicked off what has been a passion since then. Often featuring smart stories surrounded by gorgeous artwork, comics have had a long, hard road to the current mainstream success they are enjoying across all forms of media: the original printed versions, movie and video game adaptations, television shows, you can even read old back issues and classics on the web without having to shell out hundreds (sometimes thousands) of dollars just to peek inside the cover. Recently, comics publishing giant Marvel Comics was acquired by the even bigger Disney family, allowing them to re-acquire all the rights to their characters they had previously licensed to other film companies. The result of this has been the creation of The Marvel Cinematic Universe, in which characters from their own films cross-over and appear in other characters stories, interweaving them into a grand story-telling tapestry, much like the printed versions do. The first major project has been the assembling of "The Avengers", a super-hero team rich with history from the pages that features some of Marvel's biggest names. Thus far, films have been produced featuring team members such as Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, and, very recently, Captain America, with other characters popping up in those films to tie them more neatly together, most notably Samuel L. Jackson as Sgt. Nick Fury, leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., and Scarlett Johansson as The Black Widow. The character getting his big screen turn this time is Thor, The God of Thunder.

Like every other super-hero film, we have to get the "origin story" out of the way, which is how we learn where the hero comes from, where he gets his power and so forth. Thor was born into power, the son of Odin, and future king of Asgard, a mystical world in a parallel universe to our own. Sitting on the side-lines is Loki, Thor's brother, who also has his sights on the kingship and is quite the trickster. We flash forward to when the boys are now adults and a ceremony is taking place where Odin (Anthony Hopkins) is apparently about to pass the kingship to Thor (Chris Hemsworth), but is interrupted mid-announcement by an invasion of Frost Giants, bitter enemies of the Asgardians that were thwarted by Odin many years previous. Although the Giants are quickly defeated, Thor takes this as an act of war and tries to convince his father to march on the Giants. Odin tells him to stand down, which he initially obeys, until goaded into action by Loki (Tom Huddleston). Thor and his compatriots, The Warriors Three, travel to the Frost Giant's home-world of Jotunheim, along with Loki and Thor's childhood friend Sif, to confront their king, Laufey (Colm Feore). A battle ensues, and with Thor and company facing certain doom, Odin intervenes and transports them back to Asgard, in effect quashing the treaty he had forged with them centuries before. Once back, Odin banishes Thor to Earth, stripping him of his power and his mystical hammer, Mjolnir, for his arrogance and disobedience. Odin sends the hammer to Earth after Thor, with an enchantment that only the worthy may wield the hammer.

Not pictured: Mjolnir, but still a pretty bad-ass hammer.

Once on Earth, Thor meets up with astrophysicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), and attempts to get his hammer back. During this sequence we get our first peek at one of The Avengers, Hawkeye, but only recognizable to true comics fans. Thor tries to retrieve his hammer, but is still unworthy of wielding it, as per his father's enchantment. He is captured by S.H.I.E.L.D., but is quickly sprung by Foster and her colleagues.
Meanwhile, things are going on back at Asgard, and that's where things get heavy, and I stop talking about them to not reveal too much more of the plot. All I can say about it is they aren't big twists that you don't see coming, especially if you have any knowledge of the characters in the first place. It's pretty easy to tell who the good guys and bad guys are early on, no mystery there.

Seriously? No twist?

Being that this is a piece of a grander project, I see where it fits in the scheme of things. I thought that it felt a bit hurried as opposed to other origin pictures, it seemed to me that Thor's redemption should have taken longer, but it doesn't kill the movie. I also felt the 3-D wasn't totally necessary, it made a few things pop vibrantly, but wasn't as stunning as my last 3-D experience. Overall it was a faithful adaptation of the Marvel character, although I don't remember Thor having the whole beard thing for the better part of his comics career, but that's just a small detail. The costuming for all the characters was beautiful, I especially liked Loki's look, being that I thought he had one of the ugliest costumes in comics history. I would have liked the film itself to have been a bit longer, but it was entertaining, nonetheless. Now I kind of want to see Captain America on the big screen, something I previously wasn't even considering.

6 out of 10 Fists.

Top 10 Best Zombie Movies

If you don't believe that the zombie apocalypse is coming, than you are one of the people who is most likely to become lunch first. Rigorous watching of zombie films and other related material are sure ways to ensure at least a small degree of survivability when the flesh eaters eventually over-run the planet. For those that wish to live past Day One, repeated viewings of the next 10 films will definitely give you a leg up on the rest of your walking-buffet brethren. (Writer's Note: I intentionally did not include any of the Resident Evil franchise, or either House of the Dead films. I like the video games too much.)

#10. Night of the Living Dead. The original from 1968 that really kicked off the genre, George A. Romero's classic will always stand the test of time. Although not the first full-length zombie film (that distinction goes to the 1932 film White Zombie, starring legend Bela Lugosi), this film is the source of inspiration for every other zombie film to come, even though a great portion of them were also done by Romero. While this film was not only ground breaking in the genre, it was also heralded for casting a black man in the hero's role in the midst of a cast full of whites, which, given the recent assassinations of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, Jr., was unheard of. Romero said there was no racial motivation to the choice, however, simply stating that he (Duane Jones) gave the best audition.


#9. Dead & Breakfast. Two things you don't readily associate together in the annals of film-dom would be musicals and zombie flicks, but Dead & Breakfast does just that. Although not heavy on plot, this one makes up for it in campy-ness and gore, while also throwing in songs and dance numbers. Displaying a surprising cast for an "under-the-radar" film, featuring such notables as Jeremy Sisto, Portia de Rossi, Jeffery Dean Morgan and the late David Carradine, this is an entertaining zombie romp quite like no other. Popcorn fun at it's disgusting, bowel-ripping-ly best, and a great date flick, if your date and yourself are zombie lovers that enjoy musicals as well.



#8. Dead Alive. Before Peter Jackson was an Oscar winner and thin, he was Peter Jackson, fat-guy auteur of one of the bloodiest films to date. With lines like, "That's my mother you're pissing on!", and "I kick ass for The Lord!", Jackson's second feature length film was far from Oscar material, but reveled in it's gory effects and low-brow humor. Featuring the Sumatran Rat Monkey and it's devastating bite with a love story sprinkled in between, this is required viewing for any fan of the genre, and showcased as creative a use of power tool as another horror great, Evil Dead II.  Although it's nice to see what he's doing these days, this and his earlier work Bad Taste are Jackson's TRUE masterpieces.



#7. Dawn of the Dead (2004). A remake of George Romero's sequel to his original, human survivors band together in a mall to fortify against the zombie hordes. Where the original featured the struggle between the human element as well as defending against the undead, this version focuses more on the survival aspect. Opening with Johnny Cash's haunting "When the Man Comes Around", things devolve quickly when a patient is brought in to the local hospital suffering from bites from a homeless person, which is casually referred to by the medical staff. The resulting zombie outbreak quickly sweeps the area, punctuated on-screen by great visuals and effects.

#6. Slither. Not your typical zombie flick, this one features alien parasites that turn their victims into zombies, so, in my eyes, that qualifies it as a zombie flick. Horror veteran Michael Rooker leads an All-Star Hollywood Sci-Fi Line-up featuring Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, and Jenna Fischer. At first criticized as a shameless rip-off of  '80s cult classic Night of the Creeps, this film found a voice of it's own upon release with it's dark humor and hilarious casting of Gregg Henry as Mayor Jack McCready, easily the best performance of the film, and over-the-top special effects. They even had time to throw a love story or two in this one as well.




#5. The Return of the Living Dead. The first zombie flick to feature zombies that craved brains, because they helped with "The pain of being dead.", this also featured zombies that were "smart" and could talk and coordinate. Released in 1985, this film has the zombies being created by a toxic gas that is spread by a rainstorm, directly over a graveyard some punks are partying in. '80s Scream-Queen Linnea Quigley
is memorable for her scenes as Trash, the naked punker who gets zombie-fied  in the first wave.

#4. 28 Days Later. Featuring zombies created by a "rage" virus, these guys ran through the streets and tore everything to shreds. Transferred through blood, and not necessarily through the old stand-by method of biting, anyone could fall victim at any time, and that was the least of your problems. Human survivors had expectantly devolved into an anarchistic society; as a woman, you had the ever present fear of rape on top of having to pick up and run at a moment's notice. That's true fear: an enemy you know and one you don't, facing you on all sides. Unfortunately, the zombies are the enemy you know.

#3. Dead Snow. This Norwegian import has the distinction of being the first zombie movie in the snow.  They have to be quick zombies, of course, to be able to maneuver through said snow, and they also have quite a bit of intelligence on their side to coordinate attacks. But, to top it all off, they are also Nazi zombies. Can you think of a more vile and repugnant creature than a zombie? The only way to make it worse is make it a Nazi, the most vile and repugnant set of humans to walk the earth, or snow for that matter. Featuring enough dark humor to keep the viewer unbalanced, future zombie auteurs can learn a thing or two from this foreign gem.

#2. Shaun of the Dead. The film that introduced Simon Pegg and Nick Frost to audiences across the pond from their native U.K., this was the film touted as "A Romantic Comedy with Zombies", and that was an understatement. Loaded with veteran British comedic actors such as Bill Nighy, Martin Freeman, and Dylan Moran, there are times, albeit briefly, that you forget you are watching a gory zombie movie. Frost and Pegg are perfectly cast as best mates, a pair of slackers who even try to slack their way through the zombie apocalypse.

#1. Zombieland. Barely edging out Shaun of the Dead for the #1 spot is 2009's Zombieland, a movie that literally has it all: violence, comedy, violence, love story, violence, buddy moments, violence and Bill Murray. Jesse Eisenberg is perfectly cast as "Columbus", a guy just trying to find his family, and Woody Harrelson is even better as "Tallahassee" a guy just trying to find a Twinkie. Like Shaun, comedy is spread liberally throughout this film, with the best coming from the much improvised cameo with the aforementioned Murray, and Columbus' rules for survival. The Yang to Tallahassee's and Columbus' Yin are Emma Stone as "Wichita" and up-and-comer Abigail Breslin as her sister "Little Rock", a pair on their own road to survival who must eventually team up with the guys to help ensure their survival. Although everyone on board for this one has expressed interest in doing the sequel, it has stagnated in development hell, possibly never to see the light of day, and leaving this as a true gem of zombie filmdom, and a (new) classic of American cinema.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I may be on vacation, but that doesn't mean a vacation from films, and an opportunity arose for me to get to see the latest Michael Bay explodo-fest in the form of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, in all of its 3-D glory. I have to say that I am a big fan of 3-D in general, from having seen things like The Three Stooges in Spooks! (watch this link with 3-D glasses, if you have them, for a taste of the past) and Creature from The Black Lagoon, which showcased the early 3-D format, to other attempts such as Jaws 3-D, which did little to advance the technology. Recently, though, the tech has come a long way, not requiring the viewer to wear the standard red/blue glasses, instead swapping them out for specs that could double as ordinary sunglasses. This allows all of the colors to come through, without everything and everybody having to be painted or dressed in red and blue. I had only seen this new tech in operation once, with Avatar, and though that film was visually stimulating, it didn't offer much in the way of story, so that left me with split feelings on the film. I needed to experience this medium in a way that made me forget that I was watching a film, and thankfully, this movie did just that.

If you haven't seen the first two movies in this series, this one is not the place to start. The original two saw the Autobots and Decepticons arriving on Earth to continue their eons-long war that originated on their home-world of Cybertron. Movie #1 had them looking for the "AllSpark", which is what gives all Transformers life and had made it's way to Earth, the Autobots were trying to protect it, and the Decepticons wanted it to build an army to defeat the Autobots and conquer Earth for their own. Movie #2 in the series had a ridiculous plot that had the Decepticons trying to build an Energon source on Earth that would wipe out humanity or something like that. That particular film, while a box-office success, suffered greatly from having been rushed into production to avoid being affected by the impending strikes of the Screen Actors Guild and Directors Guild of America, and also from what I call "The Jar Jar Effect", which is defined as sticking in an annoying character solely for the purpose of comic relief.

A face begging to be punched.

Now comes entry #3 in the series, and supposedly the final film as well (at least from director Bay). Gone from the series is Megan Fox, but the rest of the main cast is intact. The film starts with a flashback to the early 1960's, with a creative twist on our own history: an Autobot ship crash lands on the dark side of the Moon, and that's why NASA sent Apollo 11 up there with Buzz Aldrin and company, to check out the wreckage. Back in present times, the Autobots and the government are working together to extinguish global threats, and are ever on the look-out for any Decepticon threats as well. They travel to Chernobyl to investigate suspected alien technology and while there, Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots,  finds a fuel cell from the crashed ship, and then they are promptly attacked by Decepticons. An angry Prime confronts the Americans after the battle, and in the first of many twists, finds out that we knew about them longer than they thought. The Autobots travel to the crashed ship, and while there, discover an old Autobot leader in the form of Sentinel Prime, Optimus' mentor, and "The Pillars" which are pieces to a space bridge that can transport material, and can only be activated by Sentinel Prime. They return to Earth with Sentinel and The Pillars, and that's where things start to really ramp up, and for me to go into any further detail from here would ruin the rest of the movie for those who haven't seen it.

Did somebody say twist?

This film is very long, clocking in at 155 minutes (2 hours 35 minutes for those that don't want to do the math), but I enjoyed every minute of it, and not just because of the beautiful 3-D. I've gotten over the fact that I won't see EVERY Transformer that I knew from the cartoon or the toys, but I do get a little annoyed when they create new ones for the movies. That would be the only negative thing I have to say about this movie, and even though I am not that much of a LeBeouf fan, I was able to tolerate him here. John Turturro is also great in reprising his role as Special Agent Simmons, and newcomers to the series Frances McDormand and John Malkovich eat up their roles whenever they are onscreen. I think this particular film was an excellent way to wrap up the series, and hope that Hollywood doesn't take a dump on it by releasing more sequels just to cash in on the continuing popularity of a franchise that dates back all the way to 1984, and filled my particular childhood with many hours of enjoyment.

8 out of 10 Fists.

Dead Snow (Død snø)

In preparation for the impending zombie apocalypse I watch a TON of zombie movies, and most of them are really bad. I reviewed one a while back that was awful, but I felt it was necessary to write about it to warn people to stay away from it. It's really hard to make a good zombie movie, the zombies are the easy part, crafting a good story around them is what usually sinks a movie. Sure, you can have rampant, over-the-top gore and effects try to carry the picture, but that can only take you so far if you don't care about the people the zombies are chewing on, or how they got there in the first place. Most conventional American made zombie flicks follow the same pattern: outbreak, panic, survivors band together and fight back, some make it, some don't, survivors trudge on. It gets pretty stale after a few viewings. Then, along comes a breath of fresh air in the form of the Norwegian film Dead Snow.

 It's a pretty basic story, group of friends getting together for a weekend in the mountains for some fun in the snow, and they are quickly ambushed by Nazi Zombies. Yep, that's right, Nazi Zombies. The only way possible to make a zombie any worse than it already is would be to make it a Nazi, and that was director Tommy Wirkola's goal. He also uses the rich history of the area as a backdrop to his film, Norway and it's Nazi occupation in WWII is very well known and provides a reason for there to be Nazi Zombies in the first place. These aren't your typical zombies, however, these guys are the fast, tree-climbing variety, who also appear to be able to coordinate their attacks much like when they were alive. So I was wrong with what I said earlier, The only way to make a zombie worse is to make it a Nazi AND smart.

I like 'em when they're classy.

This film has some of the best zombie gore I've seen since Dead Alive, at times it seemed like they were paying direct homage not only to that film, but other classics like Evil Dead and Shaun of the Dead. There is just blood everywhere when the action heats up, including the best mutilation scene I've ever seen. I also don't think I've ever seen a zombie movie done in the snow, so there's bonus points for originality on that one. I said earlier that rampant gore shouldn't have to carry the picture, and although there is plenty of it here, you actually care for the protagonists as they go through their motions, and I didn't like to see some of them go. I felt like I could have stood toe-to-toe along side of them and fought it out to the bitter end. The end of the movie felt a bit hurried, but it was still satisfying over-all. It also had little bits of comedy sprinkled in it, just to keep the edge off, and keep the viewer unbalanced.

Couldn't find Comedy Sprinkles, so...

I don't imagine it will be long before we see an Americanized version of this, not that I've heard anything about it, but usually when a great foreign film comes along, we step up to the plate to piss all over it. While this is not my favorite zombie movie of all time, it ranks very highly. I will try to locate it to add it to my personal collection, I was expecting one thing and got something completely different. I thought I was going to have to review this harshly when I first turned it on, but that was quickly dispelled. I recommend this for definite watch, if not a purchase of your own.

8 out of 10 Fists.

Mr. Brooks

As anyone who has seen Robin Williams' performance in One Hour Photo can attest to, watching an actor play against typical casting can often times be brilliant, if maybe  little creepy. We were used to seeing Williams overact and do zany things onstage as a comic, and when he took his act to the big screen, it was much the same.  Eventually he started to do more serious work, but it wasn't until the aforementioned Photo, and Insomnia from the same year, that he went REALLY creep-tastic, and played characters that you watched and said, "Is that Robin Williams?" while your jaw hung open. Every once in awhile, you get performances like that from the most unexpected places, whether it be Brad Pitt playing a total idiot in Burn After Reading, or Danny Glover as (SPOILER ALERT) the killer in Switchback. That brings us to our latest film, Mr. Brooks.









  Before I begin, let me state for the record that I do not like Kevin Costner's films. I don't know what it is, but I just don't like the guy. Bull Durham was OK, but Waterworld was a snooze-fest, Dances with Wolves was insulting to Native Americans everywhere and don't even get me started on The Bodyguard, much less his pathetic attempt at Robin Hood and his non-English accent. Seriously, watch Prince of Thieves and tell me Robin Hood doesn't sound like he's from Iowa and should be shucking corn. But then we have this film, where Costner is cast so against type, that, even when he pulls the trigger for the first time on his victims, you still can't believe it's him. He stars as Earl Brooks here, a wealthy self-made businessman and philanthropist, married to Marg Helgenberger (CSI, Species) and at the opening of the film, is about to receive the Man of The Year award from his local Chamber of Commerce.  We then quickly learn that, through the power of A.A., Mr. Brooks has been fighting his addiction...to murder. For two years he's kept his blood-lust satiated, problem is, said blood-lust is walking around and talking to him in the form of William Hurt, whom he calls Marshall. Marshall is trying to get Brooks back on the murderous path, but Brooks wants to hang up his holster, so to speak.  Brooks eventually caves to Marshall, whereupon they go and murder an attractive young couple while they are engaged in coitus. Unfortunately for Brooks, this couple liked to show off and left the curtains open, and the usually super careful Brooks is caught on film by sleazy Mr. Smith, played by sleazy Dane Cook, who blackmails Brooks into taking him under his wing on his next kill.

So sleazy, he has to live on pretty girls' farts.

Also in the mix is Demi Moore as Det. Tracy Atwood, who is hot on the trail of our killer, but is also having a personal crisis in the way of a divorce and if that wasn't enough, a crazed steroid freak who just escaped from jail is tracking her down. All this extra stuff seemed a little unnecessary at times, they could have left the whole steroid guy story line out of it, and it still would have worked just fine. Damn, I forgot there was a whole OTHER story line involving Brooks' daughter dropping out of college and coming home because of a pregnancy, which may be just a smokescreen for a murder SHE may have committed at the college. Now that I think about it, there were enough story lines weaving around for about three movies: you could have had the first movie be about  Brooks and Smith, the second dealing with the daughter and round it out with the third being a showdown between Brooks and Atwood, but hey, what do I know. I read that this film was supposed to be the beginning to a trilogy, but it seems they smashed it all into one. It doesn't make the film a muddy mess, but it does take away from the pace of it, I wanted to see more of the Costner/Hurt dynamic, those two were great together on-screen.

Pretty hallowed company.

 So, does this change my opinion of Kevin Costner? Probably not so much, this film was good, but he's got a long way to go. If he does more stuff like this, or maybe even darker, that will help with his redemption. Everyone else does a fine job, even Cook, it looks like the director said, "For this character, just be yourself." Hurt's performance is the best, though, you often forget that he is, in fact, all in Costner/Brooks' mind. The final few minutes of the film seemed a little contrived, but I didn't mind much.

6 out of 10 Fists.