Antichrist

Welcome back, loyal reader, nice to see you again. Speaking of "seeing", I'd like to go into the realm of "What Has Been Seen, Cannot Be Un-Seen", and discuss an arty little film called "Antichrist" by Lars Von Trier. Before we do, let's break down what this particular realm consists of. "What Cannot Be Un-Seen" is a statement not to be taken lightly. If someone tells you this, and you proceed anyway, it's your own damn fault. You were warned. Even if this person doesn't go into great detail, if they make this statement, they are absolved. This person has seen something so irrevocably horrifying that they care enough about you to try to warn you of it. That being said, time to discuss the film at hand.

Cabin in the Woods = Bad Things, man.

Written and directed by Lars Von Trier, "Antichrist" stars Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg as a married couple, who, while in the act of having sex (which is shown quite explicitly in the film), have their child fall to his death out of a window. She falls into a deep depression and He decides that the treatment She is receiving is inadequate, and being that He is a therapist, takes on treating her himself. Oh, and that's how they are referred to in the credits, as "He" and "She", so that's what I'm doing here. Anyway, the treatment He is giving her at home doesn't seem to be working and the only way for her to deal with it is rampant sexual behavior. He is too arrogant to see that he is not helping matters, and takes the treatment to Eden, an isolated cabin in the woods where She had spent some time the previous year with the child, doing research on the genocide of the witches.

Not that kind of wild ride.

I'd like to say this is where it gets weird, but this film is plenty weird from the get-go. In a film that shows actual male to female penetration within the first few minutes, and isn't a full-on porno, you know you're in for a wild ride. This film is full of shocking and thought provoking  images, but most of them come from the cabin and what happens inside of it as She continues down the spiral of madness/grief and her sexual appetites and escapades increase. Seriously, this woman goes into horny overdrive, but then takes it to the violent level by asking him to smack her around, and not in a playful way. And shortly after that, She turns things around and puts the violence towards him in what has to be the most shocking thing I have ever seen. This one scene alone will simultaneously horrify all men who see it, and empower all women. Ugh...I just got a full body shudder from thinking about it. At least she evens the score later on with a pair of scissors in another incredibly graphic display. These would be the moments you can't un-see that I was talking about.

THIS is how I like my Fe-Devils.

This is where I reach my conundrum: there are those moments in this film that will haunt you for the rest of your days and I wouldn't wish on anyone, but overall the film is good. It is very slow paced from the start, and the real shocks don't come until the final third of the picture, but getting there is well acted and even though you're faced with the thought of a naked Dafoe, you can find comfort that both he and Gainsbourg had stand-ins for their hardcore scenes. The story itself gets a little confusing at times, and the title is a little misleading, as there is never really an "antichrist" revealed, although it is hinted that it may be women as a whole, or even the couples child. The conclusion of the film is jarring, and leaves it open to interpretation as to what ultimately happens. So I don't know whether to recommend it or not, so all I can do is rate it as a film and let you, the reader, decide whether or not you want to take the plunge.

7 out of 10 Fists.

The Fog (1980 & 2005)

Welcome again to another entry of "Movie Reviews...", where today we get to cover the topic of Originals Vs. Remakes. Although people think that there has been a recent upsurge in remakes, a little known fact is that remakes have been around as long as the pictures themselves. "Ben-Hur", for example, was filmed TWICE (1907, 1925) before the epic with Charlton Heston was shot in 1959. Foreign films are re-imagined for domestic soil frequently as well, so the complaint that there isn't an original idea left in Hollywood may, in fact, be true. Now it's up to the film industry to take what they have and make it as appealing to the masses as possible. In 2011 alone, there are at least 50 films that qualify as remakes or sequels to existing franchises. I am a fan of originality, but I also like eye-candy, so if a remake is done well and is faithful to the original, without altering too much, I don't mind them. So, in order to save myself the time of having multiple entries on a certain title, I've decided to review "Originals" and "Remakes" together in the same space. Kicking off this new and unique feature is "The Fog".

One guy is based on the other, I can't tell which.

John Carpenter's big screen follow-up to "Halloween" was "The Fog" and, like the previous film, featured Jamie Lee Curtis, although not as the main star. That distinction went to Carpenter's wife, Adrienne Barbeau, whose role in the movie was designed specifically for her. Also in the cast, keeping it a family affair, was Janet Leigh, also known as Jamie Lee's mother. The film is set around a small California fishing town called Antonio Bay, whose history holds a dark secret: it was founded on the blood money of a rich leper who was looking to set up a colony in the area 100 years prior and was lured to death with his crew by the town's forefathers. Now the town is preparing to celebrate its centennial, and some vengeful ghosts are preparing for payback. Carpenter is supposed to have gotten the idea for this film while on a promotion tour of the U.K. for "Assault on Precinct 13", while visiting Stonehenge and seeing an "eerie fog" one afternoon, and also partly drew from the 1958 movie "The Trollenburg Terror". Though not as outright scary as "Halloween", it is a creepy film, and feels just like a good ghost story should. It is also very well acted, which helps when the pace is a bit lagging, which is going to happen when dealing with a slow-moving fog and all of the back story exposition.

Probably a better Superman, too.

In 2005, this remake was green-lit by the studio after only eighteen pages of the script were finished. Some of the core elements of the original story are still on display here: lepers, murder, ghosts...that's about it. They did keep the name of the town, I'll give them credit for that. In the original, there were six founding fathers that lured the ship to its doom on the rocks, the remake whittles the number down to four, and they actively go to the ship to destroy it, which makes you a big fan of the ghosts the entire movie. This version features pretty-boy Tom Welling in the role played by Tom Atkins in the original. Welling's performance was being filmed at the same time as his T.V. series "Smallville" was wrapping up shooting for the season, so much so that co-star Selma Blair joked that there were two cameras running for his scenes, one for the movie and one for "Smallville". Speaking of Blair, she does a fair job in the Barbeau role, although it is most likely she wasn't married to the director of this version to get the role. The tone and the violence of this version was lessened in order to get the PG-13 rating needed to cater to the teen demographic, so the over-all creepiness and gore of the original is replaced with quick and cheap scares, and leaves it as one-dimensional. You really don't care who lives or dies, just as long as the vengeful ghosts get what's rightfully theirs. There's even the obligatory twist thrown in as an afterthought.

So, if you haven't been able to tell, I prefer the original to the remake in this case. Carpenter's version stands the test of time and can now be considered a horror classic and can bear repeated viewings. The remake can be watched , but can't hold a candle to its predecessor. You really won't miss anything by just watching the original and skipping the remake.

1980: 7 out of 10 Fists

2005: 4 out of 10 Fists

ThanksKilling

Here we are again for another installment of "Movie Reviews...", and this time around I have to do something that I am dreading, but it must be done to get it the hell out of the way and hopefully from out of my mind. You see, I can't just review cool movies and movies I like and that I think other people will like, I also have to shine a light on the ones that I don't think ANYONE should see, if only to spare my fellow humans from the torture I have wrought on myself. As I have stated before, I do intentionally sit through bad movies, (usually at the cost of a little bit of my sanity) so you don't have to. Consider that my service to the public. Which brings us to our next selection, "ThanksKilling".

Find it on your own, I won't be responsible then.

Normally, I would attach a link to the trailer of the movie I'm about to discuss, so that if my words don't do it justice, you can at least see what the advertising people put together to entice the masses to see their film. I am not going to do that this time. Why, you ask? Because this movie is so horrible, that even watching the trailer subtracts a few I.Q. points. The "film" opens with a topless Pilgrim woman running for her life...wait, that's not entirely true, she has her top on, but for some reason, her breasts are exposed. Seriously, the very opening shot of the movie is boobs. We quickly learn that she's being chased by the world's worst attempt at an evil turkey puppet. The filmmakers don't even try to hide the fact that it's a puppet. The most gut-wrenching part of the turkey is his voice-over, which sounds like the world's whitest guy trying to sound black, but without the benefit of having ever heard a black man speak before. Anyway, blah, blah,blah, turkey gets trapped magically, blah, blah, blah...fast forward to the present times, turkey gets released by dog urine, kills dog, dog's master witnesses all this, runs from turkey, all while the turkey is spewing worse one-liners than Schwarzenegger in "Batman & Robin".

Rhodes Scholar by comparison.

 Meanwhile, a group of college kids that you quickly care nothing about are assembling for the obligatory horror movie road trip to somewhere you care nothing about, as well. We are also introduced to the world's dumbest sheriff this side of Rosco P. Coltrane, who (surprised gasp!) is one of the main girls' father. During the kids' road trip, they get the cliche' flat tire and run afoul of the evil wigger turkey (no pun intended). More death and one-liners ensue, and some of them escape to make it back home, where, of course, the turkey follows. It just continues to get stupider from there, involving scenes that have the turkey killing one of the guys and taking his place as one of the girls' sexual partners, none of which the girl notices, even though it is taking place just a few feet away from her. That pales in comparison, though, to when the turkey (SPOILER ALERT) kills the sheriff, and then wears his face as a mask, and fools even the sheriff's own daughter and her friends for more than just a couple of minutes.

Watching this movie may have certain side effects.

I think that is enough to keep you away from this movie, you would have to be a masochist to want to put yourself through this kind of hell. My head started to hurt just thinking about having to write about this piece of crap. I feel that the film-makers set out to make the worst film ever, and both succeeded and failed at the same time.  Also, in creation of this entry, I've been inspired to add to my current rating system to accurately reflect what movies like this should receive:

DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE.

Cashback (2006)

Hello, fellow film-lovers, welcome again to your source for honest, every-man movie reviews. Today's selection comes to us from across the pond (read: The U.K.). "Cashback" is the expanded version of an Oscar nominated short film of the same name. I say expanded as opposed to "based on" because the entirety of the short film is in this version, as well as all the original characters & the actors that played them. After receiving the green light for the expanded treatment, it took writer/director Sean Ellis seven days to write the rest of the script. The resulting film garnered far less praise than the original short, (14 various film awards for the short, 2 for the feature), even getting a 45% rating from Rotten Tomatoes. And this is precisely where I come in, to fill the void and let the voice of the average guy speak out.

OMG, what happened to Chachi?

Firstly, I was attracted to the movie, quite obviously, because of the movie poster. As I have stated previously, I am just an average guy, which means it takes little to attract my attention, namely a pair of creatively concealed breasts and a panty shot. Intrigued, I read the movie synopsis provided by Netflix, and it sold me on the sci-fi leaning of the time stopping aspect, which led me to believe that I was in for a Scott Baio-esque "Zapped" style raunchy comedy. I couldn't have been further off. The premise of the movie is that main character Ben is broken up with by his girlfriend, which causes an epic bout of insomnia, leading him to take a job at an all-night supermarket. While there, he discovers he has the ability to stop time and observe everything unobstructed. Yes, there are comedic elements, and, yes, there is a BUNCH of gratuitous nudity, but even though said nudity is all female, and very pleasing to the eye, you don't feel dirty or aroused by seeing it. Much like Ben, you view it as pure art and beauty. Nothing that Ben does with the women is overtly sexual while he has time paused, he just undresses them and draws them. Eventually, he is attracted to one of his co-workers, Sharon, and that's where the chick flick starts. And I didn't mind at all.

This cat will not like this movie.

There are a few problems with this film, none too big to ruin it, mainly just loose story threads that don't get neatly tied up, but you still feel satisfied in the end. I will highly recommend this for a rent, I personally will buy it for my collection. It makes for a great date movie and also bears repeated watching. It even pays off in the ending credits with a song titled "What Else Is There?" a  haunting, melancholy piece by Norwegian electronic group Röyksopp. I think I may have settled on a rating system already, something appropriate for my personality.

8 out of 10 Fists.

MacGruber

I've had to do this on occasion.

Welcome to the first ever posting for what I hope to be a permanent (if sporadically posted) source for reviews of movies from the perspective of a person who just really likes cool movies, and doesn't have the pretentiousness of a professional movie critic. I like movies of all shapes and sizes, all genres, foreign and domestic, old school and new, big budget to low brow. I will watch every movie from start to finish, no matter how agonizingly awful, if only to have sufficient basis and examples of WHY it was so awful.

This mullet has stopped more terror threats than the CIA & FBI combined.

So, without further ado, let's get to the review. Our selection today is the Will Forte vehicle "MacGruber". For those unfamiliar with the character, it is a Saturday Night Live parody of a long running 1980's television series by the name of "MacGyver" starring a be-mulleted Richard Dean Anderson, whose genius character could make weapons and other devices from simple stuff laying around. The SNL shorts were hilarious, but as anyone knows, the track record of small screen SNL characters that got big screen treatments has been less than stellar. A collective groan was issued forth when this movie was announced, as we all asked each other, "How can this be turned into a 90 minute movie without running out of jokes in the first 90 seconds?". The answer: throw off the shackles of the television censors and let 'er rip. You already know that MacGruber is inept and a total screw-up from the get-go, so you have to sit there and wonder the depths that his stupidity will go, even after he blows up his entire crack team he just assembled for the mission (comprised of some great WWE cameos, best of all being The Big Show). Along for the ride are Ryan Philippe as the straight man Army guy, and fellow SNL alum Kristen Wiig as MacGruber's remaining team member/love interest. And now for the best part of this movie, and the main reason I will recommend it to anyone: Val Kilmer as bad guy terrorist Dieter Von Cunth. Besides being one of my favorite actors, he just totally eats this role up. Without him, I don't think I could have rated this movie as high as I have. I also have a different view of celery thanks to this movie.

Celery: good with peanut butter, and for getting you out of a jam.

So, in closing, I recommend at least a rent of "MacGruber", it isn't the best of the SNL movies but it is worth a once over for a dose of dick and fart jokes. I haven't developed a cool rating system yet, so for now we'll just do a scale of 1-10, 1=lowest and so forth. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to leave them.


1-10: 7