Iron Man 3

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is a comic book geek's dream come true: some of the greatest heroes from the pages of ink and color being brought to life by the skilled hands of auteurs and actors who,  for the most part, know and understand the characters they are dealing with. Some creative license can be expected along the way, as many of these characters are decades upon decades old and may need a fresh coat of paint for today's audiences, and certain characters and/or story arcs featured in these books may have been licensed to other movie companies and just can't be used. Would it be great to see Tony Stark trading quips and one-liners with Peter Parker atop the Baxter Building? Of course, but all three franchises are held by three different companies, so in that case you have to make it work with the properties you have, which is why we got Tony Stark trading quips and one-liners with Steve Rogers atop Stark Tower in The Avengers instead. As I have stated before, I am an unabashed comic geek, and though I understand changes are sometimes necessary in these movies, I also think they should stick to the source material as closely as possible. That being said, let's take a look at the latest installment of the MCU, Iron Man 3.

Robert Downey, Jr. returns as billionaire playboy industrialist Tony Stark/Iron Man in his third stand-alone installment that takes place after the events featured in 2012's The Avengers. The film starts in 1999, however, in a flashback scene where Stark is still the drunken weapon-maker, and not yet the man of iron. During the celebration, he is approached by a man by the name of Aldrich Killian (Guy Pearce, Memento, Prometheus), who appears to be slightly handicapped. He excitedly tells Stark he has an idea to pitch to him, to which Stark agrees, telling Killian to meet him on the roof in a few minutes. Stark predictably doesn't make the meeting, leaving Killian alone on the roof in dismay while he engages in adult shenanigans below. Of course this scene only exists to set up the future conflict, when in the present day, Killian shows up as a non-handicapped, seemingly successful industrialist himself. Also back for this ride are Stark's girlfriend/secretary/conscience Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow), Stark's BFF James Rhodes/War Machine/Iron Patriot (Don Cheadle), and Stark's head of security Happy Hogan (Jon Favreau). New to the series is Oscar winner Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin, Iron Man's greatest and oldest foe from the pages of the comics. Here, The Mandarin is portrayed as a bin Laden-esque terrorist, waging a war on a global scale against the Western world with bombings that leave no forensic evidence. After one such explosion injures Hogan, Stark takes it personally and issues a direct challenge to The Mandarin, who promptly blows up Stark's home and his hall of armors with a couple of attack copters. Seemingly dead, Stark actually escapes the fracas, and with the help of a 10 year old bullied kid, begins to do a low-tech investigation into the whereabouts of The Mandarin.

Well, low-tech for Tony Stark, anyway.

 
It has taken me a few tries to do this review, because the words have just failed me each time I tried to write about it. This is one of those movies where you really want to like it, but just can't. Sure, it's a beautiful movie visually, and in my eyes, Downey, Jr. can do no wrong. But knowing what I know about certain characters and story arcs, this one does not work, and barely feels like it fits in the MCU at all. One of the features of the film is Stark suffering from panic attacks brought on by the events he experienced from the alien attack in The Avengers, but that felt like something just slipped into the screenplay to tie it in. Ben Kingsley is wonderful with the character he is given to portray, but that character is NOT The Mandarin from the pages, and may seem like a slap in the face to true, hard-core Iron Man fans. Don Cheadle is also good as Rhodes, but hard-core fans will once again make notice that Iron Patriot in the comic books is another guy entirely, unfortunately a character that Marvel/Disney can't use in the form of Norman Osborne, a main antagonist from the Spider-Man universe. A couple of other mid-level Marvel characters show-up as well, mainly just used as punctuation at best. The addition of the precocious child character who helps the hero and, in tun, receives some help in return of some sort, is one of those movies tropes that just feels tired and unnecessary. The whole plot of the movie actually feels like it's way too convoluted, and yet a tired re-tread at the same time: Stark does somebody wrong, said wronged person tries to get revenge through technology and gets his ass handed to him because you can't fight fire with fire (see: Obadiah Stane, Ivan Vanko). The inclusion of The Mandarin character, who, in the books, is a master of magic and mysticism, should have changed all that, but like I said earlier, this is not the same Mandarin. In the film, Stark has the ability to remotely control his suits, which turns into a great analogy for this film: looks great, and performs wonderfully, but is ultimately empty inside. Even the big twist that reveals everything seems like something they outsourced to Shyamalan.

"Not me, I was helping Will Smith make another crap-fest."

 
So, in summation, suffice it to say that I was highly disappointed with this film. It is, in my opinion, the weakest entry to date in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and the only redeeming qualities were Downey, Jr., Kingsley, and the special effects. It was absolutely eye-popping in the 3-D format that I saw it in, but I could have been sitting a bit closer to the screen for the full effect. I just hope that the next two installments in the MCU pipeline stay truer to their respective comic book roots and the only changes are perfunctory at best. 

3.5 out of 10 Fists.

 

Django Unchained

2. That is the grand total number of reviews I did for the entirety of the 2012 calender year. It wasn't for lack of watching movies, I did see five in the theatre: Chronicle, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. The Avengers, and The Campaign, with Django Unchained barely squeaking in with a New Year's Eve viewing. That there was a viewing at all was kind of unexpected, as I really didn't have this one on my "need to see" list, and would have been comfortable watching it on DVD at a later date. But, as luck would have it, my roommate was itching to go to the movies, and this is the one she really wanted to see. We almost missed out, as the first theatre was sold out, but we got in to another screening at a different location, although I was almost secretly hoping that we got shut out again and would have to settle for The Hobbit.

Quentin Tarantino returns to the screen with his slave-era epic Django Unchained, his latest "period" piece since 2009's Inglourious Basterds. The film stars Jamie Foxx (Collateral, Ray) as the titular Django, who, as the film opens, is quite obviously a slave. He is being marched, chained to some fellow slaves, to a destination unknown, through all manner of weather and conditions. His back, also like his fellow slaves, is a cross-hatch of scars from whippings past. While they are on their journey, they are encountered by Dr. King Schultz, played by Christoph Waltz (The Green Hornet, Inglourious Basterds), a dentist who expresses his desire to purchase Django from the slavers. The slavers refuse, but the good doctor is not much for negotiations. After securing Django's services, Schultz describes why he sought Django out in the first place. Schultz is actually a bounty hunter, and needs Django to lead him to the Brittle Brothers, and in doing so he will reward him with a portion of the bounty and declare him a free man. Django, however, has a counter-offer, that being he needs the help of Schultz in locating and rescuing his wife, Broomhilda, played by Kerry Washington (Lakeview Terrace, The Last King of Scotland). The two form a partnership, and eventually a bond, and finally do locate Broomhilda, and learn she is owned by one Calvin Candie, played by Leonardo DiCaprio (The Basketball Diaries, Shutter Island), who is a plantation owner and slave trader, who also trains and forces the slaves into fights to the death. At his right hand is his man-servant Steven, played by Samuel L. Jackson (The Other Guys, Unthinkable), who appears to be just as racist as his owner.

This is the last time I saw a black guy as racist as Jackson's character.

Let me state upfront that although I have seen all of Tarantino's films, I am not his biggest fan. Sure, his films are good enough for repeat viewing, the best being Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction, but I don't go out of my way to watch them or get excited to learn he has a new film in the pipeline. Like I stated previously, it was only sort of by accident that I saw this one as soon as I did. That being said, I did enjoy this movie, but for only one reason: Dr. King Schultz. Christoph Waltz was deviously brilliant as super-villain Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds, easily the best role in that film, and he is just as enjoyable here as the almost whimsical Schultz. He is a hoot to watch the entire time he is on the screen, whether it be in his negotiation skills, the mentoring wisdom he imparts on Django, or the gun-slinging skills he possesses and uses in his bounty hunting. Were it not for this character, I might not have had a good time with this film, or perhaps if it were someone else playing the role. I feel that although it is set two years before the Civil War, and it was a VERY racist time in the Southern United States, Tarantino's rampant use of one forbidden word that begins with an "N" and rhymes with "trigger" was too much. It seemed like he found every possible way to use that word in every possible context, and even invented a few along the way. He probably could have done without a couple dozen uses of it, although he does redeem himself a bit with a scene mocking the KKK midway through that makes them look like the total buffoons they are.

You're already a buffoon if you have to hide under your mother's linens.

Django Unchained is an extremely long movie, clocking in at 165 minutes, but it didn't feel that way. It was evenly paced, the action made up for the exposition, and despite one huge plot hole late in the movie, I enjoyed it over-all. I would definitely pay to see Waltz again in anything, and if he was to pop up in something else as Schultz, even better. Knowing Tarantino's propensity to tie his movies together, that's not that far of a stretch. Foxx is good as Django, and Jackson is better as the despicable Steven, but DiCaprio is the slimiest as Candie, a villain you truly despise. With some interesting cameos sprinkled in as well, Django Unchained is not Tarantino's best work, but even non-fans will enjoy it, and may win some converts along the way.

6 out of 10 Fists.

The Avengers

Unless you've been living under the proverbial rock somewhere, you are aware of the cinematic juggernaut that is The Avengers. One of the most anticipated films in years has finally hit the big screen after being set-up by a few other films, namely Iron Man 1 & 2, Thor, and Captain America, as well as The Incredible Hulk. Being a comic book nerd, I was REALLY looking forward to this one, not because any of these guys are my favorite super-hero (that distinction belongs to one Frank Castle), but because I had the feeling that this was being done RIGHT. Marvel and Disney released each of the above movies with teases here and there about the team coming together to battle a global threat, without revealing too much over-all. And I needed a Marvel team movie that would cleanse my palate after what I felt were three horrible X-Men movies. It's OK, gripe if you will, but until Marvel gets the rights to those characters back, they have seen no justice, but that's a story for another time.

Written and directed by Joss Whedon, the Geek God who brought you Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (the series, not the mediocre movie with Luke Perry and Kristy Swanson) and the much-loved but short-lived Firefly, The Avengers brings together all the superheroes from their respective movies to focus on a threat to the planet lead by the main villain from Thor, his adopted brother Loki (Tom Huddleston), who apparently is under orders from a shadowy alien-type inter-dimensional fellow, who is only referred to as "The Other". But before the gang can protect the Earth, they have to learn to work together to become Earth's Mightiest Heroes, which is much easier said than done. You've got a super-soldier still trying to come to terms with the fact that everything he knew or loved is pretty much gone since he's been asleep for 70 years, a narcissistic billionaire playboy, a pair of government super assassins, a demi-god who is sworn to protect the Earth no matter who or what gets in his way, and The Hulk (no description necessary).

Pictured: Not The Hulk

At first glance I had a similar fear that many of us shared, that this was going to be The Iron Man Show, featuring The Avengers, as Tony Stark/Iron Man played by Robert Downey Jr. is arguably the most popular of the characters, and while he does get a good amount of the screen time, he is nowhere near the center stage of this 2 1/2 hour epic. Most of the character development was handled for each character in their respective films, with the exceptions being Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) who was introduced in Iron Man 2, and Hawkeye/Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner) who was teased briefly in Thor. While more is introduced about these characters and their back-stories, as well as their connected histories, the film overall is more about the big four: Captain America (Chris Evans), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Bruce Banner/Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) and the aforementioned Iron Man. These four actors work well off of each other, and share the scenes equally, with no character upstaging any other. The greatest actor in the film, however, is the CGI Hulk, who easily steals the show and has some of the best scenes in the film. He is, of course, the brute force who is capable of causing great destruction (and does), but also has much of the comic relief that is interjected at all the right times. You're used to Stark/Iron Man spitting one-liners, and you get that, too, but Hulk is surprisingly good for laughs, as well. And I want to put this out there, if Marvel is listening: Thor and Hulk would be great for an Odd Couple remake, just sayin'.

Cut me some slack, I don't have Photoshop.

And now here's where I had a problem with the movie. First off, I think they treated Hawkeye like a chump. He gets little screen-time, and the time he does get doesn't help his case, at all. When it comes to the action, he seems like the odd man out, he can't fly, is not super-strong, or super at all. He's really bad-ass with a bow-and-arrow. It's a great bow-and-arrow, and he can most definitely kick my ass with it, but even in the comics, the character seems like a B-Team kind of guy. At least he didn't bring his lame-ass costume from the comics along. Secondly, I'm a comic purist. I really like it when a comic licensed movie sticks pretty close (or close enough, Cowboys and Aliens) to it's source material, but in this case I cry foul. Nick Fury is not a black guy. For the longest time, since his creation in fact, Fury was an older, white gentleman with fabulous hair and was once even played by someone with hair just as magnificent: David Hasslehoff. When Marvel re-booted several of its characters and story-lines, set in an alternate universe, Fury was made a black guy by the writers and artists because they really, REALLY liked Sam Jackson. Conspiracy theorists might speculate this was done as a way for Jackson to eventually play the character in a movie, but I wasn't there and I'm not a bat-shit conspiracy theorist. I don't care what they did with the character in the comics, but it does touch on a continuity issue if you use a character from one universe in another that you're making a film of. Basically, if we're watching a movie that has the Marvel Ultimates version of Fury, do we assume that the rest of the characters are their respective Ultimates versions too? Because they aren't, but that isn't a discussion for a movie review. My point is that Nick Fury should have been a white guy from the start. So despite my fan-boy rantings, and these two issues I've just discussed, this film was quite a good time. I took in the 3D experience, despite warnings from friends, but I had no problem with it. The action was fast paced, the exposition and monologues delivered, and all the actors hit their marks. I look forward to the next slate of movies from Marvel/Disney as they set up Avengers 2, and where the Marvel Cinematic Universe goes from here as a whole, with new characters on the horizon, and not necessarily all of them being Avengers related.

9.5 out of 10 Fists.

Chronicle

Despite the fact that it seems about every one in five movies that are released lately fall in to the "found footage" genre, that particular style of film-making shows no signs of ebbing in its popularity. Most people were introduced to this style of film with The Blair Witch Project  in 1999, with many movie-goers leaving the theatre not entirely convinced that it was just a film. I remember having to console a co-worker, who was literally in tears because she believed that something had happened to those poor kids. This was not the first use of the genre, however, that distinction may belong to the 1980 film Cannibal Holocaust, which showcased an ill-fated expedition to the Amazon. That particular film was convincing enough to have had the director arrested on obscenity charges, and was widely believed (at the time) to be an actual snuff film, and is stilled banned in some countries to this day. This style of film is generally reserved for the horror genre of film-making: in order to be "found footage", it means the people filming are either missing or dead, with those events playing out before the cameras, and the resulting footage having been discovered by family members, law enforcement, etc. This time, however, we get a science fiction take on the style with Chronicle.

The film opens with teenager Andrew Detmer (Dane DeHaan, True Blood, Amigo) setting up a recently acquired video camera to document the goings-on in his life, namely the actions of his drunk father, Richard (Michael Kelly, Dawn of the Dead, Law Abiding Citizen) and his cancer-ridden mother. Andrew's cousin, Matt Garretty (Alex Russell, Almost Kings, Wasted On The Young) picks him up for school, and they have typical teenage banter while driving and it becomes apparent once they arrive at school that Andrew is not quite the popular kid that his cousin is. In an attempt to help him break out of his shell and hopefully to increase his popularity, Matt invites Andrew to a rave, but tells him it would probably be better for him to leave his camera at home. Andrew, of course, does not, and after a few scenes at the rave, Andrew angers a party-goer by inadvertently filming the guy's girlfriend, who then attacks him. Despondent, Andrew leaves the rave to wait for his cousin, when he is approached by the school's star quarterback and most popular student, Steve Montgomery (Michael B. Jordan, Hardball, Red Tails), who tells him to come with him and film something that he and Matt have discovered in the ground. Steve leads them to a hole which is emitting a loud and strange noise.

No, not that hole.

After a few moments observing the hole, Steve impulsively goes in, with Matt following quickly behind. After a few moments of hesitation, Andrew joins them. They eventually come upon a large, glowing, blue, crystalline object that has weird effects on the physics of the area, namely drawing the sweat straight off of Steve's face. As Andrew films, the object begins to glow red, and the trio are struck by nosebleeds and pain. There is a bright flash, and the camera cuts out. It then jumps to a few weeks later, with Andrew having a new camera, and the group sitting around and filming what appear to be new found telekinetic abilities, but also garnering nosebleeds if they over-exert themselves. It becomes apparent very quickly that Andrew has much better control over these new abilities than the other two do. They decide to re-visit the hole in the ground, but upon arrival discover that is has collapsed and the Sheriff's Department is sealing off the area to prevent further danger. As their abilities continue to grow stronger, Matt theorizes that the abilities are like a muscle that continue to grow in strength the more they use them.

Like this, but with the MIND...

Soon after, the boys are riding down the road, when a truck comes speeding up behind them, honking and being a general jerk when Andrew decides to teach him a lesson. He uses his abilities to push the truck off of the road, and down into a water-filled ravine. Horrified, the boys swing in to action, and save the driver, although he is severely injured. Matt understandably freaks out and sets in place a list of rules about their abilities, namely not using them on ANY living thing. They agree, and try to move past the incident, all the while their abilities continue to grow in different areas: impervious skin, heightened strength, and the crowning jewel of super-abilities, flight. Andrew expresses an interest for them to fly around the world after graduation, and wanting to go to Tibet because of its peaceful nature. There may be hope for this kid yet, since it looked like he was headed down a bad path that culminated with the wrecking of the truck and its driver. But that's all I can really go in to here, from this point on things begin to ramp up, as the boys have to start to learn about dealing with the morality of having great power, which would be a hard task at any age, let alone for teenagers who also have to deal with the high school society and hierarchy of cliques and class distinction. As far as the "found footage" style goes, one of the most common complaints I've heard is this: "When things start to go to pieces and all hell is breaking loose, why do they keep filming? Why don't they just drop the cameras and worry about saving their asses as opposed to saving the moment for posterity?" This film manages to answer that question, and quite easily, and also provides a way for there to be multiple camera angles and quick cuts while keeping it plausible, at least for a psuedo-superhero movie anyway, where you're required to have at least already suspended some disbelief. The actors also seem very credible in their roles, you have to ramp up your acting skills to portray someone who isn't supposed to be acting at all, at least in my opinion, which is why Blair Witch worked so well for me, those kids were lost some of the time, there were genuine fights on film, but in the end they were still actors and so it was a very real feel. The boys in Chronicle I got a real feel for, because they approached their abilities the same way I would have in high school, as well as the aftermath of when the protagonists and antagonists are established, and things come to a head. This film is definitely a breath of fresh air in the "found footage" genre, and I hope that no one takes a dump on it, like Blair Witch 2 did to its predecessor. This is a definite must see for comic book and super-hero fans, (even though it isn't based on an actual comic book), but you don't have to be a fan of those to enjoy this movie, by any means.

8 out of 10 Fists.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Anyone who knows me in person knows I have a particular disdain for the Christmas holiday. I don't celebrate it, I don't put up lights and decorations, I don't exchange gifts with anyone, and I definitely don't like Christmas movies. There are a few exceptions: Black X-mas, Gremlins, A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas, hell, I'll even throw in A Christmas Story, just because it's a damn good movie. I just would prefer to go into hibernation from November 1st to January 1st if I could, but then I would miss out on my birthday, which is...wait for it...right before Christmas. My movie muse, Totally Mental Mommy, guided me to this one a few months back when she got me to watch the trailer, and I immediately knew I had my own Christmas tradition in the making when this was finally released here in the U.S.

The film opens with a team of excavators working on the top of the Korvatunturi Mountain in Finland. The leader of the team explains that this is not a mountain, but the largest burial mound in the world, and they are attempting to unearth the occupant. A couple of the local village boys are spying on them at one point, and the younger of the duo speculates as to what they could be digging up and makes the leap to Santa Claus. He tells his older friend, who naturally laughs him off. After using heavy equipment and explosives, the mountain goes silent; they may have found what they are looking for. Meanwhile, the younger boy, Pietarie (Onni Tommila), has begun his own research into the Santa myth, and makes some horrifying discoveries: the real Santa didn't reward the nice, he just punished and ate the naughty (although, not being eaten sounds like a reward for being nice, so take it as you will). He also notices footprints in the snow on the landing outside of his window, as though someone is looking in on him at night. As Christmas draws nearer, Pietarie's father, Rauno (Jorma Tommila), and other local village men prepare for the annual reindeer herding, which will stock their freezers with meat, and fund the local economy with what they sell. They wait as the herd crests a hill, but instead of a herd, they get two scrawny runts, with no herd to be in sight. They follow the tracks of the two runts, and discover the rest of the herd, massacred on an epic proportion. They can only assume it was wolves, but Pietarie suspects something else.

"Wasn't us. We were practicing for our barbershop quartet performance."

The village men place the blame of the massacred herd on the excavators of the mountain, and decide to go ask them some questions. They charge up the mountain to the dig site, only to find it unmanned and completely abandoned, along with a HUGE hole in the ground. Rauno lights a flare and tosses it in, but the light from it disappears before it can hit the ground. Baffled, the men return to the village to figure out what to do next. Shortly thereafter, Pietarie wakes and goes outside to relieve himself, and discovers that a wolf trap his dad had set has an occupant. He summons his father, who investigates and, not liking what he sees, sends Pietarie back into the house. Rauno summons one of the other men, Piiparinen (Rauno Juvonen) to help him and they transport what looks like an old man to Rauno's meat shed. The old man appears to be dead and the two men discuss what to do with him, finally deciding  to dismember the corpse and dispose of it. As they prepare to do the deed, they discover the old man is actually alive, and quite ferocious as well. They are forced to restrain him, and Pietarie sneaks in to get a better look. The old man begins to sniff the air and turns his gaze on the boy, which leads to his father discovering him there. Pietarie then tells the tale of Santa Claus to the two men, and though met with some skepticism, they really have nothing else to go on. As they try to figure out what to do next, the sound of a walkie-talkie erupts from the pocket of the jacket that the old man was wearing. We learn that the voice is that of the leader of the dig, and he's looking for his head man, but the village men, who are still out of all the money from the slaughtered reindeer, are looking for their payday. They decide to ransom Santa back to the dig leader and makes plans to meet up with him and make the exchange. And here I put on the brakes, because what follows is a twist better than anything Shyamalan has tried.

"Hey, cut it out, will ya? I'm still working on stuff."

 
This film was a genuine fun ride, normally I don't like reading my movies, but I didn't mind here. This film blends the perfect amount of thrills, suspense, action, and dark comedy to keep it rolling at a nice pace and just when you think you have it figured out, you don't. The ending will have you looking twice at mall Santas and you'll think twice about letting your child take a photo with one. As I said previously, I may not celebrate the holiday, but at least I have something to watch every year that takes a little of the "Humbug" out of me. I recommend adding this to your collection, and maybe you, too, will have a new holiday tradition.

8 out of 10 Fists.

Hesher

In a time where movies are available across all mediums as soon as the film is "in the can", (meaning after the film is shot and edited and ready for release), like direct to DVD release or On-Demand, as well as the tried and true big screen, "Indie Movies" are becoming more main-stream. Before, these movies flew under the radar, and word of mouth was required for any cinematic gem not released by one of the big companies to get any foothold with movie-lovers: a few people would see the movie and pass it on to their friends and so on, and the film festivals that popped up everywhere were a great place for this to transpire. You'd take your little picture to Sundance or Cannes and hope it was good enough to get noticed, much less get any awards, and if someone wanted to distribute your flick, BINGO!!, you're sought after. So, in a time where the true "Indie Movie" may be dying, it's nice to see people making a movie for just that reason, to make a movie. On that note, we have Hesher.

The film opens with T.J. Forney (Devin Brochu, Rubber), chasing after a tow-truck that is carrying a wrecked vehicle. You can tell right off the bat that this kid is a mess: in his blind pursuit of the truck he has a collision with a car that he has to pick himself up from, and he just continues after the truck like nothing happened. He follows the truck to an auto yard, and proceeds to lock himself in the car. He clearly has some sort of connection to this vehicle, and we learn that he recently lost his mother in this vehicle and that his father, Paul Forney (Rainn Wilson, SUPER, The Rocker), has sold it for scrap in an effort to move on with his life, while at the same time staying super medicated and stewing in depression, which is clearly NOT moving on with your life. The sale of the vehicle angers T.J., and after a fight with Paul, he leaves for school and, while riding through a housing construction project, hits something in the ground and wipes out again (maybe he should just stay away from anything with wheels?). He picks himself up, angrier than ever at life, and proceeds to hurl a rock through the window of a nearby home that is nearly constructed. He just so happens to pick the one house that our title character is squatting in, and we are introduced to Hesher. Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Inception, G.I. JOE: The Rise of Cobra), is a long-haired, tattooed, chain-smoking ne'er-do-well, and though no particular age is given to him, we are to assume he is of a late teen, early twenties variety, as we see him at school with T.J. on several occasions. Anyway, Hesher accosts T.J. after the rock incident and drags him into the house. A site security guard, having heard the commotion, shows up to investigate, and Hesher diverts his attention from T.J. to deal with the security guard and make good on his escape, which he does with a well timed, home-made explosive. Hesher leaves in the confusion with the guard in pursuit, allowing T.J. to take leave of his own unchased and make it to school.

Not the safest diversionary tactic, but effective, nonetheless.

 After school is over, T.J. is on his way home, and notices he is being followed. It's Hesher, and his motivations aren't readily apparent. T.J. makes it home and looks around for his dad, finding only his grandmother they live with, played by Piper Laurie (Carrie). He nervously returns to the window to see if Hesher is outside, when Hesher asks from behind him where the laundry room is. He then proceeds to set up home there, despite all of T.J.'s protesting, and everyone else around just seems to go along with it, mainly because Paul is too depressed and doped out to care there is a stranger now squatting there, and Grandma is too kind and matronly to have a problem with it. So T.J. now has this to deal with, on top of a bully problem at school with a kid that works at the auto yard that he rubbed the wrong way the day he locked himself in the wrecked car. Through a confrontation with this bully in a supermarket parking lot we are introduced to the other player in our story, Nicole (Natalie Portman, Thor, Black Swan), a clerk at said market. She defends and befriends T.J., and he develops a crush on her, despite she being WAY too old for him (or he too young for her, either way).

I never said it was impossible.

The rest of the film plays out without any real story, it's just the events of these people being brought together and healed by the most unlikely of candidates, who is also someone oblivious to the fact that he is helping anyone. It is hard to pinpoint whether Hesher really is the smartest one of the group, or that his random, unplanned actions are genius unrealized. T.J. seems to be the most dumped on character in this, you can't help but wonder what the world is going to foist on him next, and I personally identified with him the most, but I saw bits of myself in Paul and Hesher as well, so this film connected on a personal level with me that may not resonate with other viewers. You keep watching to see what Hesher is going to do next, and in portraying him, I'm am more impressed with Gordon-Levitt than ever, a rarity for a child star turned adult actor, and his chops keep getting better. Rainn Wilson is superb in a role as far from Dwight Schrute as you can get. You feel his pain and confusion the whole while, as he wears it on his face for most of the film, but also conveys his depression with all his other actions. I was also impressed with the fact that although this is Portman's first production credit, she didn't try to make it HER film, she stayed quietly in the background and played the back-up character that helped drive the Hesher-T.J. dynamic. Finally, given my personal choice in music, the soundtrack rocks, stocked full of early Metallica and Motorhead tracks. My recommendation is to add it to your collection if you are a fan of any of the actors here, and if not, just watch it to become one.

8 out of 10 Fists.

The Perfect Host

I took a movie break in September, choosing to get caught up on some T.V. shows I had been neglecting, and though there were a few movies sprinkled in there, I didn't feel like writing about them. Most of them were movies I just picked at random, trying to stimulate the creative juices and hope that at least one of them would inspire me to talk about it, and there were a couple that got close, like Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl, and Pervert!, but I never got past the "thinking about it" stage, although, in retrospect I probably should've written about Pervert!, that was the worst thing I've seen since Thankskilling, the only thing that made it better was all the gratuitous nudity. Somewhere along the way, I came upon the trailer for The Perfect Host and knew that I wanted to see it, but until I actually watch a movie I never know if I'm going to write about it or not. Well, here we are.

The film opens with John Taylor (Clayne Crawford, Smokin' Aces 2), a career criminal, on the run after a very recent bank heist. He's injured and desperate, and looking for a place to hide out until the heat blows over and he can figure out his next move. After one attempt to gain entry to a house and being spurned, he comes across a postcard from Australia from a woman named Julia, addressed to the homeowner by the name of Warwick Wilson (David Hyde Pierce, Wet Hot American Summer). Taylor manages to charm his way into the house pretending to be a friend of Julia's, whom he just "left" in Australia, telling Wilson that he was just mugged upon his return to the country, and that the airline lost his baggage. Wilson informs Taylor that he may stay and try to get assistance, but he is hosting a dinner party later that evening. After a few feeble attempts to get assistance with a problem that isn't real, Taylor convinces Wilson to let him stay awhile longer, and Wilson invites him to join the party. Wine is shared between the men, with Wilson asking questions that Taylor can't answer, and eventually the truth is revealed. Taylor tells Wilson to call off the dinner party, as he is now a hostage, and Taylor needs to figure out his next move. Wilson calls one of his guests to cancel, and tells that guest to inform the rest of the guests. Taylor continues to drink Wilson's wine and think about what to do next, and soon realizes there is a problem: he's been drugged, and it quickly overtakes and incapacitates him, and Wilson smugly disarms him.

Not this smugly, but close.

When Taylor wakes up, he is bound to a chair at the dinner table, where places have been set for four other people besides himself and Wilson. Wilson is seated at the head of the table and eating while holding conversations with people seated at the table...that Taylor can't see. It becomes very apparent that the mild mannered dinner host that Taylor thought he was taking hostage is actually a clearly unbalanced individual. There seems to be an actual dinner party going on, it's only happening in Wilson's head. A severe cat and mouse game ensues from then on, with Taylor trying to escape and Wilson carrying on his burgeoning dinner party and increasing "guest" count. Oh, and I almost forgot, during all of this we are introduced to the cop who is after Taylor, Detective Morton (Nathaniel Parker, Stardust) and, through some flashback scenes, a woman who appears to be Taylor's girlfriend, played by Megahn Perry (The Gravedancers), who may be providing the inspiration for his robbery in the first place. Back at the dinner party, Wilson shows Taylor a scrapbook of his, that details what happens over the course of the evening with his captives, as it appears that he has done this before. It doesn't look good for Taylor, and he begins to become more desperate to escape. We then get treated to a twist straight out of Shyamalan's playbook, and the movie kind of takes a sharp left turn from there.

"Hey, leave me out of this one."

I was really digging the film and was going to totally rate this movie a lot higher until the twist happened and the ending culmination of events is a different tone than what was set with the tension between the two leads in the first two-thirds of the movie. It doesn't kill it, it is still an interesting ending, it just makes you switch gears so fast that it is a little disorienting. I still liked it overall, Hyde Pierce is phenomenal as Wilson and his performances when interacting with his "guests" is just great acting. Check it out to see some great performances, even if the story does get a little muddled.

6 out of 10 Fists.

Your Highness

I got to cover a great genre mash-up with my last review, where there was a combination of Western and Sci-fi, and while a somewhat original concept, it was "based" on a comic series, so it can't really be a Hollywood original. While everyone feels that original ideas from H-wood are extinct, every once in a while something pops up with a taste of originality, and a spark of hope that we still have free thinkers in the new Babylon. Many a movie have been made featuring knights, wizards, and damsels in distress, some serious like Dragonheart with Dennis Quaid, others more comedic like Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and just as many "stoner" films have been made, whether it be the antics of Cheech & Chong and Harold & Kumar, or the rather unexpectedly violent Pineapple Express. Here we get to see these two very different genres smashed together in Your Highness.

From the director of the aforementioned Pineapple Express, and featuring two of that movie's stars in James Franco and the always great Danny McBride as brothers Fabious and Thadeous, respectively, comes Your Highness. Fabious is the heralded brother, always questing and gaining favor of the people and their father, King Thallious (Charles Dance, Last Action Hero, The Golden Child), while Thadeous is the ne'er-do-well brother, who is content with smoking and sleeping his way through the country-side. As the film  opens, Thadeous is about to be hanged for sleeping with the Dwarf King's wife, and his squire Courtney (British actor Rasmus Hardiker) has been tarred and feathered. Thadeous makes good on his escape when they drop him from the gallows...that has been constructed to hang dwarfs. He lands on his feet and just climbs out, giving you an indication as the viewer of what kind of comedy you're in for: slapstick and sight gags, with a generous peppering of the f-word throughout. The opening credits roll with animated scenes showing how Thadeous and Courtney make their way back home, all while being pursued by the dwarfs and stopping for smoke breaks.

If you are being pursued by dwarfs, seems like this could wait...

The guys make it safely home as the movie rolls, and Fabious arrives home from his latest quest with his Elite Knights, who have just defeated a cyclops belonging to the evil wizard Lazzar (Justin Theroux, American Psycho, Mulholland Dr.) and freed a virgin, Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel, Big Trouble, The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy), imprisoned in the tower guarded by said cyclops. Fabious announces his intentions to marry Belladonna immediately, and asks his brother to stand in as his best man, much to the chagrin of Boremont (Damien Lewis, Dreamcatcher, Band of Brothers), leader of the Elite Knights. He voices his displeasure to some of the other knights, which Thadeous overhears and decides to skip the wedding in favor of smoking bowls with trolls. During the wedding, however, Lazzar crashes it to retrieve his virgin. He makes his escape, and eventually Thadeous returns to discover what has happened, whereupon his angered father instructs him to accompany his brother on the quest to save his bride or be expelled from the kingdom. He begrudgingly agrees and they start off on their quest, accompanied by the Knights, and Fabious' man-servant, Julie (Toby Jones, The Mist, Captain America). Their first stop is The Great Wise Wizard, who tells the boys about Lazzar's plans for the virgin, and gives them a compass to find The Blade of the Unicorn, the only sword that exists that can defeat the evil wizard. They continue on in their quest, and the plot thickens from there, with betrayal, a great chase scene, capture and plenty of "dick and fart" jokes, not to mention Natalie Portman showing up to join the quest as Isabel, a warrior on a quest of her own that may or may not have something to do with the adventure the boys are on.

Remember when you'd get a new party member in FF, and didn't know their motives? Just like that.

The rest of the film is a mix of action and low-brow comedy, with fantastical elements such as Minotaurs and other mythical creatures, culminating in a final battle scene that is as humorous as it is thrilling. It isn't going to win any awards, but it does serve as a mindless romp that you never have to take seriously, and at least McBride's faux English accent is better than Kevin Costner's pathetic attempt in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Check it out on cable, I wouldn't pay to rent it, but a free viewing is in order if you are a fan of McBride's.

5 out of 10 Fists.

Cowboys & Aliens

Although one of my favorite movies of all time is a Western, I tend not to like them as a genre. Tombstone ranked as my favorite film for the longest, but not because it was a Western, but because of the supremely awesome acting of everyone involved, and they just happened to be telling a fact based story that was set in the Old West era of America. Val Kilmer's performance as Doc Holliday is reason enough to watch the film, and all else on hand do a fine job as well, I'm surprised that it didn't garner any awards. But no other film of that particular genre has interested me, in fact, I'm not really all that big on "period pieces" as a whole. On the other hand, I dig a really good alien flick, whether it be of the invasion type like Independence Day, or something a little more subtle like Enemy Mine. There have been Westerns produced that have sci-fi elements, like Wild, Wild West, but that was a horrible movie, and on paper, the idea of bringing a Western and an Alien flick together sounds pretty ridiculous. Cowboys & Aliens wasn't on my radar at all, I had heard about it, mainly from my movie muse, Totally Mental Mommy, but hadn't watched any trailers for it, and might have given it a chance once it hit DVD. Yet the opportunity arose to see it in theatres and I said, "What the hell."

Like I said, the idea of a Western and Alien flick mash-up seemed pretty ridiculous to me on the outset, I figured it was going to go the route of cheese-ball, even though it had some significant Hollywood muscle attached to it, both in front of and behind the camera. Like any typical male, I hate to admit that I am wrong, but I enjoyed being wrong this time. The trailer lays out the story pretty straight-forward, Jake Lonergan (Daniel Craig) wakes up in the desert, with no memory and a strange, metallic device attached to his wrist. He eventually makes his way into the nearest town, where it is discovered that he is actually a wanted fugitive, for various crimes. The town sheriff, played by David Carradine, locks Lonergan up and summons U.S. Marshals to come collect him, and another prisoner, Percy Dolarhyde (Paul Dano), who is son of the local cattle baron Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), known in the area not only for his war efforts, but also for being a rather stern individual. Dolarhyde rides into town, demanding that his son and Lonergan be turned over to him, since it turns out that Lonergan had just robbed Dolarhyde of some gold. A stand-off ensues, and as tensions mount, strange lights appear in the sky. As the townsfolk watch in awe, the metallic device attached to Lonergan's wrist lights up and begins to beep. The approaching lights turn out to be flying craft, and they promptly start blowing up the town. Naturally, the townsfolk lose their collective marbles, so to speak.

"Hey Mel, wanna lose our marbles?"   "Way ahead of you, buddy!"             

During the attack several people are taken by the aliens, including the Sheriff and Percy Dolarhyde. Lonergan manages to use the device strapped to his wrist to bring one of the ships down, but its pilot escapes into the night. They discover the pilot was wounded in the crash and Dolarhyde's right-hand man, an Indian named Nat Colorado (Adam Beach) says they can track it. A posse is formed in the morning and rides out to find the alien pilot, and hopefully the rest of the towns-folk, while Lonergan rides out to a cabin and has a flashback that reveals him returning to the cabin with Dolarhyde's gold, right before the aliens attack and capture him and a woman he was with in the cabin. He then re-joins the rest of the posse, and as per my "no spoilers" rule, I leave it there to stop from revealing any more crucial plot points. I will say that the rest of the movie manages to keep you entertained and has a few good little plot twists along the way.

"I see what you did there."

Now, here comes the rub, I can't rate this movie higher than I'm going to, because it has one huge, glaring flaw: besides the name Cowboys & Aliens being the title, this film has absolutely nothing to do with the comic book that it is based on, and if you know me, that's a big no-no for a movie adaptation. While what was presented was a great movie with faithful elements of both Westerns and Alien movies, the story in the pages would have been interesting to see on-screen. All the actors put on good performances, I especially liked Ford's portrayal of the hard-ass Dolarhyde, and the special effects were top notch. The reason the aliens are there is a little flimsy, but the rest of the plot stands up pretty well. You also don't have to worry about a heavy-handed love story getting dropped into the middle of the action, there are romantic elements, but they aren't strong enough to effect the pace of the film. I say check it out at least in theatres at a matinee price, or some sort of discounted showing, it's worth seeing on the big screen, but not at full price.

7 out of 10 Fists.

Hobo With A Shotgun

Truth in advertising goes a long way. It has long been illegal in the United States (and many other countries) to falsely advertise  your product and/or service in order to sell more of it. It would be the equivalent of myself telling the general public that everyone who reads my blog will get a free car. I certainly can't provide a single car, much less multitudes for the five people who may read it, so that, in effect, makes it false advertising. There are ways to circumnavigate the laws in place, which are just as unscrupulous, but not quite as illegal, that are practiced by certain folks, but there are no laws in place that regulate the movie industry in promoting their movies as what they actually are, most recently the teaser ads for The Muppets creatively started out advertising as one type of movie before revealing their true face. This was cool. The trailer for Bridge to Terabithia advertised a whimsical kid's movie in the vein of The Chronicles of Narnia, and what movie-goers got was a terribly depressing movie about the death of one of the major characters. Not so cool. This brings us to our latest film, Hobo With A Shotgun.

 

 

Hobo With A Shotgun is the second movie to come out of the "fake" trailers that were featured in the film Grindhouse, the first being Machete in 2010. It stars B-movie veteran and character actor Rutger Hauer (The Hitcher, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) as The Hobo, who rolls into Hope Town on a train and with a dream. He wants to buy a lawnmower from the pawn shop and start up a lawn-mowing business, but first needs to get the $49.99 for the mower. Unfortunately for The Hobo, Hope Town is under the cruel regime of The Drake, who starts the movie by murdering his own brother, in a very creative way. Helping their dear old dad in the murder are Slick and Ivan, the just-as-crazy sons of The Drake. The Hobo witnesses this and many other atrocities, at one point stopping the assault of a hooker named Abby at the hands of Slick, making a "citizen's arrest" and taking him to the police station, whereupon he learns that the only people they "protect and serve" are The Drake and his family. Ivan and Slick track The Hobo down and brutalize him, after which he is found and taken in by Abby, who then tends to his wounds. The next day, The Hobo goes to the pawn shop to buy the lawnmower (I won't tell you how he gets the money), and while there, three thugs burst in to rob the place and take a woman and her baby hostage. It is this moment that The Hobo makes his decision that Hope Town needs a savior, and opts for the $49.99 shotgun instead of the lawnmower, which is inexplicably fully loaded right off the rack, and dispatches the robbers in gleeful, gory glory. Then, after he has killed the thugs, he walks up to the counter and hands the clerk his $49.99. He is an honest hobo, I must say you don't see very many of those these days.

Can YOU spot the honest hobo?

From there, our Hobo goes out and seeks sweet shotgun justice on all the evils of Hope Town's streets, including (but not limited to) a Santa-clad pedophile, a "Bum Fight" videographer, and a stereotypical black pimp. All of this vengeance is carried out on-screen in it's goriest best, there's more blood per frame than three Friday the 13th movies put together. Eventually, The Hobo inspires the rest of the town-folk to clean up their city, much to the chagrin of The Drake, who has his progeny torch a school-bus full of kids with a flamethrower, just to scare the people back in line. He then declares open season on ALL hobos, and the people, just as quickly as they rallied behind The Hobo, form roaming, murderous mobs that exterminate the homeless of all shapes, sizes and ages. Meanwhile, The Hobo and Abby are holed up at Abby's place, preparing to leave town to go start the lawn-mowing business in a hopefully friendlier town. They get dimed out while they are there, and Ivan and Slick show up to take care of business, and that's when things get really messy. We get to see some creative use of many things in this exchange involving toasters, ice skates, duct tape and The Hobo's trusty shotgun, with a particularly nasty scene involving a hacksaw.

Hacksaws: made to cut metal. Great on flesh, too.

So, let's face it, as far as truth in advertising goes, Hobo With A Shotgun says it all up-front. It perfectly represents the B-movie film culture it is paying homage to while still crafting something a little original. The violence is over-the-top, and there is more blood spilled on-screen than there is in the populace of some small countries, but this film never tries to be more than the gory, entertaining thrill ride it set out to be. I've seen some feature length movies that have been based on a much wider license that have totally failed to deliver, and for this film to have sprung forth from a two minute fake trailer in another movie, I say damn good job. So far, the two movies based on fake trailers have been better than the movie the trailers appeared in.

7 out of 10 Fists.

Thor

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am an unabashed comics geek. I can remember looking at my first comic back in the early '80s, it was a Spider-Man book, and although I don't recall the story in the pages, or really even remember what the cover looked like, it kicked off what has been a passion since then. Often featuring smart stories surrounded by gorgeous artwork, comics have had a long, hard road to the current mainstream success they are enjoying across all forms of media: the original printed versions, movie and video game adaptations, television shows, you can even read old back issues and classics on the web without having to shell out hundreds (sometimes thousands) of dollars just to peek inside the cover. Recently, comics publishing giant Marvel Comics was acquired by the even bigger Disney family, allowing them to re-acquire all the rights to their characters they had previously licensed to other film companies. The result of this has been the creation of The Marvel Cinematic Universe, in which characters from their own films cross-over and appear in other characters stories, interweaving them into a grand story-telling tapestry, much like the printed versions do. The first major project has been the assembling of "The Avengers", a super-hero team rich with history from the pages that features some of Marvel's biggest names. Thus far, films have been produced featuring team members such as Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, and, very recently, Captain America, with other characters popping up in those films to tie them more neatly together, most notably Samuel L. Jackson as Sgt. Nick Fury, leader of S.H.I.E.L.D., and Scarlett Johansson as The Black Widow. The character getting his big screen turn this time is Thor, The God of Thunder.

Like every other super-hero film, we have to get the "origin story" out of the way, which is how we learn where the hero comes from, where he gets his power and so forth. Thor was born into power, the son of Odin, and future king of Asgard, a mystical world in a parallel universe to our own. Sitting on the side-lines is Loki, Thor's brother, who also has his sights on the kingship and is quite the trickster. We flash forward to when the boys are now adults and a ceremony is taking place where Odin (Anthony Hopkins) is apparently about to pass the kingship to Thor (Chris Hemsworth), but is interrupted mid-announcement by an invasion of Frost Giants, bitter enemies of the Asgardians that were thwarted by Odin many years previous. Although the Giants are quickly defeated, Thor takes this as an act of war and tries to convince his father to march on the Giants. Odin tells him to stand down, which he initially obeys, until goaded into action by Loki (Tom Huddleston). Thor and his compatriots, The Warriors Three, travel to the Frost Giant's home-world of Jotunheim, along with Loki and Thor's childhood friend Sif, to confront their king, Laufey (Colm Feore). A battle ensues, and with Thor and company facing certain doom, Odin intervenes and transports them back to Asgard, in effect quashing the treaty he had forged with them centuries before. Once back, Odin banishes Thor to Earth, stripping him of his power and his mystical hammer, Mjolnir, for his arrogance and disobedience. Odin sends the hammer to Earth after Thor, with an enchantment that only the worthy may wield the hammer.

Not pictured: Mjolnir, but still a pretty bad-ass hammer.

Once on Earth, Thor meets up with astrophysicist Jane Foster (Natalie Portman), and attempts to get his hammer back. During this sequence we get our first peek at one of The Avengers, Hawkeye, but only recognizable to true comics fans. Thor tries to retrieve his hammer, but is still unworthy of wielding it, as per his father's enchantment. He is captured by S.H.I.E.L.D., but is quickly sprung by Foster and her colleagues.
Meanwhile, things are going on back at Asgard, and that's where things get heavy, and I stop talking about them to not reveal too much more of the plot. All I can say about it is they aren't big twists that you don't see coming, especially if you have any knowledge of the characters in the first place. It's pretty easy to tell who the good guys and bad guys are early on, no mystery there.

Seriously? No twist?

Being that this is a piece of a grander project, I see where it fits in the scheme of things. I thought that it felt a bit hurried as opposed to other origin pictures, it seemed to me that Thor's redemption should have taken longer, but it doesn't kill the movie. I also felt the 3-D wasn't totally necessary, it made a few things pop vibrantly, but wasn't as stunning as my last 3-D experience. Overall it was a faithful adaptation of the Marvel character, although I don't remember Thor having the whole beard thing for the better part of his comics career, but that's just a small detail. The costuming for all the characters was beautiful, I especially liked Loki's look, being that I thought he had one of the ugliest costumes in comics history. I would have liked the film itself to have been a bit longer, but it was entertaining, nonetheless. Now I kind of want to see Captain America on the big screen, something I previously wasn't even considering.

6 out of 10 Fists.